Same old, same old**

It is what it is

2010-10-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

There is something to be said for consistency.

...

But I clearly have no authority to say it. So, in a (shameful) attempt to catch up with my current hunt for joy, I am going to rely on the Old Faithful of journal fallbacks...

The List! :o)

Joy is the everpresent, overwhelming devotion of a friend. It is the unexpected word of encouragement from a complete stranger. Joy is the adoration of a mother. It is the way you rock a new outfit from hood to toe. It is a five-page letter delivered with a stamp. Joy is the one who knows your worst and loves you most. It is the burst of creative inspiration on a rainy grey day. It is the smooshed smile on the face of an Englih bulldog. Joy is the miracle of a new life. It is the sale on good-smelling hairdye. It is the intimacy between kindred spirits. Joy is requited love. It is the conviction to shake foundations. It is exploration of an unknown place. Joy is His uninhibited grace.

Today's joy

2010-09-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today’s was an afternoon of grey, fall skies. The kind when I can get away with spending all of my time at home wearing leggings, slipper boots, and a soft robe, loving on a warm glass of spiced red wine.

Today’s was an opportunity to work an extra shift for a friend. The kind of shift where I got the chance to share a small piece of my heart with a woman whose (com)passion have only grown stronger with time.

Today’s was the moment of celebrating God’s faithful provision. The kind of provision that planned for the extra hours last week so that I might take the time off for a spontaneous visit with James this week.

Today’s was a day of perspective. The kind of perspective that reveals God’s consideration for all the desires and longings in my heart.

Happy Monday, and happy hunting.

Seeking joy

2010-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

For as long as I have been able to form coherent, outside-the-box thoughts (which, according to my Google search is sometime after the age of 10(ish)), I have subscribed to the idea that happiness is a choice. And I didn't just subscribed--I crusaded for it. And, for the most part, that worked in my life.

For awhile.

There is something to be said for choosing to be happy despite your circumstances. Despite your mood. Depsite the crabby customers who think that because you have a nametag and run a register you are suddenly a little less human.

But even that thought process is negative. All of the focus is on the "despite the [insert crappy thought]" instead of on the "be happy." It's the same with the way we often approach love. "I love you, even though you forget to call me back. I love you, even though you're a little self-absorbed. I love you, even though..."

Throwing in all of those "despite the's" and "even though's" muddles the happiness and distorts the love. There is an wonderful scene in Valentine's Day in which Shirley MacLaine's character declares that if you love someone, you love all of their best and all of their worst. Not "even though," but rather all of it.

There is something to be said for choosing to be happy, but happy is not enough. Happy is easy. What I want is joy. But joy isn't something that you can just have. Joy takes work. It requires you to intentionally seek it out. And that is what I am going to do.

Each day I am going to seek out those moments that are so sweet they could only have been sent from the Creator. I am going to find them and I am going to share them here. Every day. Because joy is meant to be shared and spilled over from cup to cup.

So here's to a beautiful fall day, and here's to the next.

Happy Sunday, and happy hunting.

This is what it looks like when you forget to blog for an entire summer.

2010-08-13T09:19:00.001-07:00

I present to you: A List, of Sorts.

Left James in Kentucky yesterday and made the 6 hr drive back by myself. Indiana is a looong state and Louisville has never seemed as far away as it does right now…

It’s NASCAR week in my Podunk town and those race fans want their booze and cigarettes. This race is serious bidness, folks…

On that note, I am so grateful to have a job with decent pay and, once schools starts, will get me 40 hrs each week while simultaneously working with my graduate studies schedule. Not to mention, I work with some A-okay folks…

Even though the wedding is over a year away, planning is underway and on a roll. Date: check. Venue: check. Caterer: check. Decorators: check. Sanity: check…

Allergy season is full swing now. Cue the itchy, puffy, sneezy, leaky, and general miserable auro of hay fever. But with allergy season comes…

Fall! It I so close I can almost taste the crunchy sweetness of dry leaves. And yes, I do go out of my way to step on that particularly crunchy leaf…

Happy Friday, folks. Enjoy it, soak in it, and keep smiling.

Happy Wednesday, folks

2010-05-26T21:30:00.001-07:00

I love those days when I'm productive yet don't feel exhausted once I'm done. Today is one of those days. Thank you, Wednesday, for being so awesome. Here's to hoping that tomorrow's day outside in the garden is just as fantastic.

today's to-do list: item #1 - don't get caught

2010-01-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

"How do you feel about lists," the bow-tie wearing professor asks the class as his devoted--though admittedly inattentive at this moment--student completes a personal list of tasks that require immediate attention that day. The question catches her attention and she looks up, eager to offer proof of her love of lists. She glances right to smile at the friend beside her who had only finished her own to-do list just minutes previously.

The professor speaks again: "I hate lists."

As swiftly and seemingly casual as possible, the two girls flip their lists facedown so as to elimiate the evidence. Not swift enough, however. The two occupants of the table to their left are both staring with knowing-smirks, fully aware of what has gone down just feet away.

Proceeding with a smile, the professor then reveals to the class that he is actually referring to his disdain of the idea we can achieve spiritual transcendence by following a list of steps. No longer sheepish, the once-inattentive student smiles wider as she imagines the professor's perspective on Joel Osteen and his "seven steps living at your full potential." She stifles a laugh, pretending to clear her throat as she maintains an academic front.

The professor is oblivious to the series of events that just unfolded before his unseeing-eyes and resumes his lecture. All is well with the world.

#338

2009-11-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

I know that He exists.
Somewhere—in Silence—
He has hid his rare life
From our gross eyes.

‘Tis an instant’s play.
‘Tis a fond Ambush—
Just to make Bliss
Earn her own surprise!

But—should the play
Prove piercing earnest—
Should the glee—glaze—
In Death’s—stiff—stare—

Would not the fun
Look too expensive!
Would not the jest—
Have crawled too far!

top 5 genuine regrets of my college career.....

2009-10-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

1. Failing to see the opportunity to create a specialized major in Women’s Studies in English literature.
2. Neglecting friendships because of my inability to plan ahead and maintain a consistent, responsible, and considerate schedule.

Okay, so that’s only two. Whatever. They’re still regrets. And while it is too late to do anything about the first one, the second one does not have to continue. This will not continue past this weekend. Period.

Because, let’s face it, I miss you both more than I can say.

What do you call the space between the letters A and B?

2009-08-18T21:41:00.001-07:00

Why is it that when I need to have an assertive Type A personality, I can only be Type B, but then in other situations when my sanity begs for some Type B ease, all I can do is try to control what I can't?

Recent points of (almost) interest in my life . . .

2009-07-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

On a slightly impressive (yet excessive) note. . .
. . . I started cleaning out my closet today (not in an R. Kelly/Eminem way, but in the literal sense). From it, I have four bags of trash, thre bags of clothes to give away, and at least twenty-five purses in possession (seven of which I will be parting with—and that’s even following the “if you haven’t used it within the last year, pitch it,” rule).

On a slightly more serious note . . .
. . . Sometime between installing our new pool pump last night and me putting a hand in the water this morning, the wiring must’ve gone on the fritz. So I can now say that I have experienced minor electrocution (I say minor because I am still alive and it only made my body go numb as opposed to frying any vital organs). Apart from residual “I feel like I’ve been sitting on my limbs and they’re almost asleep” effects, I am fine and will only et better with time. Needless to say, it was a bit terrifying and I have now met my summer’s excitement quota . . .

On a slightly pathetic note . . .
. . . I finally made it into the fair trade store in Chelsea, MI, where I broke down into tears at the stand with Ugandan jewelry, handmade in Jinja. I’ve never been a supporter of/believer in retail therapy, but it was necessary at his point. I will say, however, that the Ecuadorian scarf and the Congo keychain (Congon, Congonian…?) probably weren’t as necessary as the Ugandan earrings, but I’m not going to feel bad about it, because it was fair trade and it was all 17.5% off (though James tells me that “But it’s on sale,” is an awful excuse. Pssht. What do boys know?).

On a slightly disappointing note . . .
. . . I am still on book #3 of my summer reading list [sighs]. And I only just realized yesterday that I have a 30+ page research paper studying Charlotte Brontë’s feminist influence on the expectations and roles of women in Victorian England.

On an uplifting note . . .
. . . My cat is hysterical, my family is beautiful, and my God is merciful.

here's to staying up until after 1:00am with kleenex and the perfect things to say

2009-06-23T21:59:00.001-07:00

I pray that I can be half the mom that mine is.

One locomotive, two locomotive, three locomotive, four...

2009-06-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite memories form my childhood is, and I'm not kidding, folks, watching Lamb Chop's Don't Wake Your Mom when I was sick. After Mom would set me up on the living room couch with a sippy cup of sprite, toast, all of the blankets and pillows from my bed, and Puffalump, she'd walk over to the television and insert the beloved VHS tape into the VCR. I was happy as a clam for a beautiful 45 minutes, singing along with Shari Lewis and the whole crew. Thanks to that video, I know how to roll my fingers, eat crackers like a slob, and count seconds in what is perhaps the most accurate manner without the use of a watch.

Happy moment of my week: Don't Wake Your Mom is available in parts on youtube [here]. I do expect you to take 45 minutes out of your day and enjoy yourself. So get to it, kids.

Shari: "Hush Puppy, in the time it takes to say 'One Locomotive,' a second ticks by!"
HP: "Shari, if I say 'One Locomotive,' a second has gone by?"
Shari: "Yes."
HP"So if I say 'One Second,' will a locomotive have gone by?"

miscellaneous thoughts from the night of june 1st

2009-06-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

Had the opportunity this afternoon to satisfy my urge to be crafty, and I must say, I am rather pleased with the results. Hoorah for finding use for my extra fabric scraps!

Preparing to start book #2 of my summer’s To-Read list**. 15 books in 13 weeks (not including the PA summer book…and ignoring the fact that Chronicles of Narnia is actually seven books and not just one…and not accounting for the fact that I’ll probably want to read the other two books in Ted Dekker’s series…) So, that’s almost two books per week…I need to get crackin’.

Counting my blessings (instead of sheep) and am very grateful that I have a job this summer as I watch so many friends struggling with their limited options. I am blessed to be employed at a place where work requires minimal thought and allows me to take as much time off as I want. So blessed.

Finding myself to be a little--scratch that--unbelievably peeved that my lappy is already malfunctioning. Note to self: send Fitzgerald into Office Depot’s tech department ASAP.

Missing all of my SAU friends. A lot. I’m so grateful that everyone lives within a 1-hr radius.

**Carrie’s To-Read List: Summer 2009

Castle in the Sky, Diana Wynne Jones
PS. I Love You, Cecelia Ahern
Black, Ted Dekker
Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhyss
The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency, Alexander McCall Smith
Planet Narnia, Michael Ward
The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
The Awakening, Kate Chopin
Last of the Mohicans, James Fennimore Cooper
As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner
Babylon Revisited, F. Scott. Fitzgerald
The House of the Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
All Quiet on the Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
The Turn of the Screw, Henry James

"Out of the wreck I rise" [My Utmost for His Highest, May 19]

2009-05-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

God does not keep His child immune from trouble; He promises, "I will be with him in trouble . . ." ( Psalm 91:15 ). It doesn’t matter how real or intense the adversities may be; nothing can ever separate him from his relationship to God. "In all these things we are more than conquerors . . ." ( Romans 8:37 ). Paul was not referring here to imaginary things, but to things that are dangerously real. And he said we are "super-victors" in the midst of them, not because of our own ingenuity, nor because of our courage, but because none of them affects our essential relationship with God in Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for the Christian who doesn’t have something in the circumstances of his life that he wishes were not there.

"Shall tribulation . . . ?" Tribulation is never a grand, highly welcomed event; but whatever it may be— whether exhausting, irritating, or simply causing some weakness— it is not able to "separate us from the love of Christ." Never allow tribulations or the "cares of this world" to separate you from remembering that God loves you ( Matthew 13:22 ).

"Shall . . . distress . . . ?" Can God’s love continue to hold fast, even when everyone and everything around us seems to be saying that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

"Shall . . . famine . . . ?" Can we not only believe in the love of God but also be "more than conquerors," even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him. Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him. Only one thing can account for it— the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time.

**Text that has been underlined and bolded is my own [carrie's] emphasis**

not all surprises are welcome

2009-05-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

um, thanks. but no chance in this lifetime.

do not pass go. do not collect $200. leave me alone.

reason #2349798784 to keep smiling

2009-05-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

"With that kind of hope to excite us, nothing holds us back." 2 Corinithians 3:12 (The Message)

here's to you, mrs. mosby

2009-04-26T23:29:00.001-07:00

nothing good happens after 2am, so why am i still awake?

good question, carrie. let's go to sleep.

alright, optimist carrie. let's try that.

It's like ten-thousand spoons, when all I need is a knife

2009-04-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the key moments in my life thus far, I remember how confident I had been, never feeling more sure about the direction in which I was moving than I did at each and every one of those moments:

. . . the visit to CMU that solidified my enrollment at Spring Arbor . . .
. . . the discovery that I needed to study English Lit. despite the fact that I want nothing to do with writing, teaching, publishing, or lawyering . . .
. . . the afternoon spent hastily filling out countless forms before an upperclassman would take the unexpected spot on the Uganda trip . . .

It’s not every day that I feel so much of God’s peace all at once.

I’m still too close to these moments to really understand why they occurred, but I could tell by the heat that I was on the right track.

I can tell by this heat that I am on the right track.

But this confidence is new to me and is making me antsy. I have so much peace that I am uncomfortable. Seems a bit counterproductive, eh?

My thoughts on NYC, playlist not included…

2009-04-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

I hate Times Square the way it is now. It is obnoxious. It is dirty. It is full of people pushing, shoving, and shopping.

I love Times Square for the potential that it has to become something far greater (Go find Hutch if you don’t believe me. He hangs out on the corner of 7th and 34th. Talk about perseverance through trials. What an inspiration that man was).

After spending nine full days in New York City, I have been intentionally carrying myself differently. New Yorkers do not look up when they walk. Looking up means making contact, means seeing that homeless man on the subway, means seeing that there is a problem—this is a problem that is not going to just go away by pretending that it’s not there.

But then again, if I can’t see it, it’s not there.

Object permanence, folks. We need to develop some, because once you’ve looked up, you have two options: apathy or action. Apathy is undoubtedly easier. There is so much going on in the city that it only takes a few more steps before you’ve found something to distract yourself. All you have to do is run through the typical scenarios and keep walking. He would only buy drugs and booze with it if I gave him any money. What if I get mugged? What if I find out that I actually care?

Action requires a decisive move. It calls you to put aside your insecurities and a lifetime of stereotypes. So go ahead. Risk getting rejected, sworn out, and turned away. Risk being the only person in three straight days who even speaks to that woman. Risk finding out that you have more in common with that guy sleeping under a tarp than you do with anyone else. Leave behind your pride and let God break your heart.

To have passion is to suffer. Christ is passionate for us; it was His Passion that led Him to the cross, and until we allow ourselves to feel compassion—quite literally to suffer with Him—we will never fully realize the humanity of our brothers and sisters, let alone our own humanity.

I am sick of walking on the sidewalk and looking at my feet every time I pass someone I don’t know—or sometimes even a person that I do know. I’ll have none of that anymore, thank you very much. No. As children of God, it is our responsibility to validate one another, and all it takes is recognizing another soul when we pass.

/end rant

even then...

2009-03-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining
I believe in love, even when feeling it not
I believe in God, even when God is silent

[An unbelievably awesome song, inspired by words scrawled on a cellar wall where Jews had hidden in Nazi Germany]

Psalm 27:14

2009-03-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord."

"My Utmost for His Highest," March 6 entry:

2009-03-06T04:36:00.000-08:00

"When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks.

The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you.

Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17 ."

this is what happens when i feel guilty about neglecting my blog

2009-02-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are far too scattered for an intelligent or even coherent blog. So here are some self-observations that will have to hold me over until I can be a responsible, introspective blogger:

§ Pretzels make me sick. I get this from my mom. But I eat them in large quantities anyway. I get that from Mom too.

§ My secret ambition is to become fluent in a fictional language (such as elvish) and devote my entire life and career to the mastery of that language. Then, when an epic movie trilogy is made that uses that language, I can be the person that gets invited to interviews that will be aired in the 6+ hours of special DVD features … not that I have ever watched 6+ hours of special DVD features and seen interviews with a fictional language expert in them … [hangs head now that secret ambition is not-so-secret anymore]

§ I really like the number 5 and multiples of it. Unless it’s 14 or 19 or 28—I really like those three numbers (3 is a great number, too). But I do not like 2. Or 4, 8, or 11 either. Especially 4. It is a smug number. (I like 9 as well … you can make a perfect square when you have 9 objects … I really respect that about the number 9) ...

§ I am an interrupter, and I use brackets, dashes, and parentheses to do so. Dashes are for straight-up interruptions—I have a horrible memory and I forget stuff if I have to wait to say what I am thinking. Parentheses are used for clarification purposes (just in case I don’t think I’m clear enough). And brackets are used to narrate for myself … I may or may not hold up hands around my face to make brackets while I talk, just so I can be super-animated [rolls eyes at ridiculosity of the idea of narrating for herself]

§ My favorite animals include but are not limited to the following: pigs, primates, squirrels, platypi, and penguinos (flamingos, koalas, and giraffes also make that list).

§ One day I will own a golden retriever. He will wear a plaid collar and I will call him Patrick O’Flannigan.

§ I have never felt more irresponsible than I am feeling right now ... The fact that I have 30pg paper and a history test this week are probably contributing to that guilt

[gives up on thinking of witty conclusion to blog so she can go to sleep and avoid thinking about her irresponsible time-management habits]

faith, deeds, and a giant two-by-four: act i, scene ii...

2009-02-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

CARRIE: “My greatest desire is to return to Africa. My greatest fear is that I never will.” [mopes]

GOD: [slaps her across with the two-by-four of Opportunity-If-You’re-Willing-To-Take-The-Initiative-Fueled-By-Faith]

END SCENE, TO BE CONTINUED IN HIS TIME BY HER INITIAIVE

dear february 4th (today's pertinent definitions)

2009-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

awkward (adj): socially uncomfortable, unsure and constrained in manner

meeting (n): a casual or unexpected convergence

hindsight (n): an understanding of the nature of an event after it has happened

funny (adj): amusing, arousing or provoking laughter

because i'm an english lit. major who can quote one who says it best...

2009-01-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

"In Memoriam A.H.H."
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Ring out the grief that saps the mind
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

because i like multiples of five . . .

2008-12-27T11:59:00.000-08:00

five things that i will not miss about this year . . .

. . . the way that i got bronchitis in october and can say without a doubt that I am still sick two months after the fact … the difficulty of handling the workload of an english literaure major while depending entirely upon library computers for an entire semester due to a malfunctioning lappy and shoddy customer service … the inability to keep my half of the room organized until the chaos piles so high that i cannot navigate through it without fearing for my life … the bitterness that resurfaces every time i remember how much my brother has endured since mid-june … the endless frustrations that arose from seeing the gap between how things were and how i knew they should be and the way i (foolishly) felt helpless to bridge them . . .

five things i already miss about this year . . .

. . . the assurance that came with the unfaltering belief that i would actually return despite the fact that 7,555 miles and the fear of failure stood in my way ... the smile born from knowing that at least 3 hours of my academic week would be spent in the best of company ... the guarantee of sidesplitting laughter after every english class and even the occasional concert [cue inspirational hand pump and eyebrow action] ... the warm fuzzies that came from knowing that we still had a whole year together as roommates to laugh, cry, laze, and repeat ... the freedom that came from blithely accepting the fact that i had no idea what i would be doing after graduation . . .

five things that I leave behind . . .

. . . the way that I pretend to be okay with not knowing what i will do in 18 months ... the tendency of mine to give up after convincing myself that they do not care, even though i know they do ... the inclination to feign indifference as i casually discuss my lack of initiative towards the means that could lead to my end ... the passive approach that i take to maintaining friendships ... the exhaustifying effort that I put into building up the emotional walls between my fathers and myself . . .

five things that I move forward to . . .

. . . the fact that i will finally have a sister and [eventually] nieces and nephews following a september wedding that has been nine years in the making ... the entertainment that will come when my inner-feminist battles my outer-realist thanks to the most grueling three-credit class i will ever take ... the oncoming semester-of-all-semesters that will be filled with late night shadow puppet shows, orange hi-c, and enough chinese food to put that little boy through college ... the nine days that i will serve in new york city as i hope for clarification regarding my change of heart and home... the comfort of knowing that i can be my(obnoxious)self because he is okay with the prospective eyerolls (not always self-induced) that will precede the inevitable smiles . . .

five things to keep in mind . . .

. . . “that’s what she said” is a joke that will never--ever--be unfunny … you automatically qualify for official “bond girl” status if you are the only girls in the theatre who go without guys to see the opening midnight showing of quantum of solace … the strongest friendships are the ones that can undergo months of silence and still pick up as though only two days have passed … try not to figuratively throw around the term “literal” unless you want to literally throw someone off of your literal boat … do not be surprised when--twenty years later--God is still continuing to surprise you every day by annihilating the underestimations that you constantly place on you peers, yourself, and your Savior . . .

confessions of a secret cat-person...

2008-12-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

"i'm not gonna blog now...that would be ridiculous!"

carrie's most relevant playlist: round 3

2008-12-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

1. david webb - "rich young ruler"
poverty is so hard to see when it's only on your tv or twenty miles across town . . . He says, "more than just your cash and coin, I want your time, I want your voice. I want the things you just can't give Me" . . .

2. a fine frenzy - "come one, come out"
come on, come out. the weather is warm. come on, come on. watching the sky, you're watching the painting coming to life, shifting and shaping. staying inside, it all goes by

3. gayla peevey - "hippopotamus"
mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian...i only like hippopotamuseses, and hippopotamuses like me too!

4. coldplay - "green eyes"
the green eyes. yeah, the spotlight shines on you. and how could anybody deny you? i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now i met you.

5. hillsong - "Hosanna"
heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. show me how to love like You have loved me. break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything i am for Your kingdom's cause, as i walk from earth into eternity

6. ag silver - "falling still"
if God could hear, what would you really have to say, but "thank You, thank You, thank You. You've really outdone Yourself, i want nothing else?"

7. "come thou fount"
o, to grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be. let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. prone to wander, Lord, i feel it. prone to leave the God i love; here's my heart, O take and and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

8. the weather girls - "it's raining men"**[see footnote for explanation]
it's raining men, hallelujah! it's raining men, every specimen! tall, blonde, dark, and lean. rough and tough and strong and mean! God bless mother nature--she's a single woman too--she took off to heaven and she did what she had to do

9. brooke fraser - "love is waiting"
it's my caution, not the cold. there's no other hand that i would rather hold. the climate changes, i'm singing for strangers about you.

10. bing crosby - "count your blessings"
when i'm worried and i can't sleep, i count my blessings instead of sheep. and i fall asleep counting my blessings

**this song is not relevant because it ahs literaly rained men. indeed, no. i would not be saying "hallelujah, amen," if men start falling from the sky. most assuredly not. it is simply an entertaining song that continuously is stuck in my head, and i didn't want to suffer alone...maybe it'll get stuck in yours now too :oD

reason #29384 i shouldn't stay up so late . . .

2008-11-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

I am more of an INFP than ever (see this if you don’t believe it)

In other news . . .

God is a sneaky little bugger, isn’t He? Without any warning He somehow managed to slip under my internal radar and He started to roll my heart around in His hands, carefully reshaping it. He has gently disturbed the roots that were once stubbornly planted in my idea of “home,” and has since been quietly preparing me for a life that I never expected. Only now am I realizing the magnitude of what this means.

In short, home is no longer my home. It is just a house in the two-stoplight town where I grew up. But this is not new news. I have known this since Uganda. The really scary realization that is so unnerving to me now is the fact that home is not even where my family is. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love my family.

I love that my mom can sing a song that is applicable to anything (and I mean anything). I love that Dan and I can go weeks without seeing each other and still pick up right where we left off (probably involving me, pinned to the floor while he renders me defenseless with the dreaded “fish hook” move that he spent years practicing). I love that my dad can always make me laugh, no matter how angry he may make me. I love that my step-dad has only two volume levels: inaudible mumbling and richter scale-worthy booming. I love that Brad has a capacity to love that is topped only by Christ Himself. I love them so much, and I think this is why it has taken me so long to see the truth.

Home is still where the heart is, but while my family is held dear and irreplaceable in a private and intimate chamber of my heart, God has other plans for the heart itself. If home is where the heart is, then my heart is where God plants it, and the only thing left for me to do is to sit back and wait as he continues to roll my heart in His hands and prepare for the break that will inevitably follow. I am afraid that my heart must shatter beyond all recognition before the roots can take hold in fresh and fertile soil,

How much more pain must I bear witness to before it breaks into something ready to be of use to Him? I only know that my idea of “home” has forever changed. My heart and home are being detached from everything they have ever known, and it terrifies me. It exhilarates me. It sets me free to go where I must.

Is this a soul that stirs in me?
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Because my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

[brooke fraser’s ‘c.s. lewis song’].

pertinent definitions

2008-11-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

mope (v): move around slowly and aimlessly; be apathetic, gloomy, or dazed; dallier: someone who wastes time. [see "carrie's more recent blog" for confirmation]

bronchitis (n): an inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchial tubes, causing a persistent cough that produces considerable quantities of sputum; birds which wheeze and gasp, normally related to overwieght birds in winter. [see "carrie's lack of speech" for clarification on the former...not sure what to do about the latter]

nutella (n): A thick smooth paste made from chocolate and hazelnuts. Can be spread on plain cookies, bread, or toast. [see "carrie's shelf" for taste sampler]

accountancy (n): the occupation of maintaining and auditing records and preparing financial reports for a business; the major that carrie should have apparently chosen. [see "professor globig" for explation]

unmotivated (adj): lacking motivation, without impetus to strive or excel [see "carries work ethic'" for illustration]

too tired for coherency.

2008-11-15T23:32:00.001-08:00

i love autumn. colors, smell, sounds, textures. leaves crunching on the sidewalk. all the senses engaged. i hate when rain erases it away.

i would pick the shortest season to be my favorite, wouldn't i? you see, there is a difference between autumn and fall. fall is the season that happens between summer and winter, it is septemberish-october. but autumn is that 2 week period with perfect weather (jeans and tshirt) and no rain. the world is on fire. orange, red, electric green. give me the cool breeze of autumn over the warm rays of spring any day.

how is that that there are places with perpetual winter and summer, spring even, but no fall, and especially no autumn? would i love it as much if i do now if autumn wasn't so rare and sweet? if a man loads and empties the dish washer and no one sees it, does it really happen?

questions and questions running through my mind. what's is called when you write as randomly as you think? you'd think a lit. major, out of all people, would remember the term. reason #40982 you shouldn't accept stereotypes.

i miss africa. my heart has been broken for the children that i saw on the streets, that i still see when i close my eyes. how do you look at a child and honestly tell her that she is loved when the one person who can save her chooses office furniture over her life? where is the love in that cruel equation? "that child died four days ago." responseless. struck dumb. where was i while that frail heart beat its last, when the body retired prematurely?

sometimes i round a corner and it's there, taunting me. but the moment passes and i lose the unnatural, accute connection with the land that is just as much my home as the house in which my family dwells. for a precious second i believe that i am again learning how to love in its most basic and beautiful form with the very same children who hound my dreams, but the notion quickly disappears and i find myself hollow. aching and alone. i am haunted by africa and cannot find relief outside of the momentary distractions that i despise so much...

...i do not want to be distracted.

election '08, as portrayed by my friends' facebook status updates :oD

2008-11-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

… you know when you were a lil kid u wanted to vote...yea it's really not all that cool...go nader!!
4 hours ago

… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 174/McCain 49.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 43.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 34.
3 hours ago

… people be screamin in the streets and standing on cars lol its crazy!!
about an hour ago

… wants to congratulate all those who voted to bring about this change to socialism. Your voice has been heard, so no whining if this hits the fan.
about an hour ago

… thinks she will come back to America after all!
about an hour ago

… is praising Jesus for the system of Checks and Balances...
about an hour ago

… says Go Sarah Palin in '12!
51 minutes ago

… Obama fo' yo' mama!
50 minutes ago

… is Green Day will have a reason to write music again!
39 minutes ago

… is going to marry a sheep farmer in Ireland.
38 minutes ago

… is thinking that everybody needs to relax a little.
38 minutes ago

… is in a constant state of prayer for the next 4 years.
35 minutes ago

… is praising God for the knowledge that HE is our king! :) ...and mourning the death of capitalism a little... :/.
31 minutes ago

… is YEAH!!!! Now I don't have to move to Canada or Europe.
30 minutes ago

… is Iverson... Prop 1.... Obama?!.... This country is lookin brighter.
18 minutes ago

… Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run. Barack Obama WON so our children can fly.
14 minutes ago

… still loves this country :).
14 minutes ago

… is glad it's all over.
13 minutes ago

… is wondering how bad its going to be.
8 minutes ago

… just witnessed history...dayumm.
2 minutes ago

… is a Christian who is happy Obama won. I know, unheard of, but not impossible...
about a minute ago

… thinks Joe Biden's mom is SOOO CUTE.
about a minute ago

… also entertained by reading status updates.
6 minutes ago

… found a toy in his cereal! He's so happy!
2 minutes ago

carrie's most relevant playlist: round 2

2008-10-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

1. Brooke Fraser – C. S. Lewis Song
Is this a soul that stirs in me—is it breaking free, wanting to come alive? ‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

2. Landon Pigg – Tin Man
I’m looking at the sunset, wondering, “So what?” The Tin Man’s got nothing on me—Heart, I hope you wake up soon.

3. Hillsong – Hosanna
Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen; show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours—everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause—as I walk from earth into eternity.

4. The Spill Canvas – All Hail the Heartbreaker**
I will sleep another day—I don’t really need to anyway, because what’s the point when my dreams are infected with words you used to say?

5. Rob Dickinson – My Name is Love
When everything you know falls apart when the wind blows, when everything seems so tough, my name is love

6. Brandi Carlile – Have You Ever
. . . If you’ve ever been out walking in the snow, if you had ever been out walking you would know

7. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
Words fall through me and always fool me and I can’t react. And games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out.

8. Brooke Fraser – Love, Where is Your Fire?
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind that I’ll offer You me and You’ll politely decline. So I’ll hasten to mute it, I’ll shout and rebuke it: “Away, away, away!” ‘Cos I know I’ll blaze with You, so I’m holding my heart out

9. Mat Kearney – Won’t Back Down
Hallelujah ripped through my veins. I heard the hammer drop, my blood in the rain. Hallelujah came like a train; when all is lost, all is left to gain.

10. Anberlin – Paperthin Hymn
You never know what temporal days may bring, so laugh, love, live free, and sing; when life is in discord, praise ye the Lord.

**This is my obligatory Spill reference because Chels and I are seeing them in concert this weekend!! :oD

i'm sitting here, smoking away, but still there's no sign of a flame

2008-10-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

A doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind,
That I'll offer You me and You'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it:
"Away, away, away!"

'Cos I know I'll blaze with You
So I'm holding my heart out to You
I'm holding my heart out

[brooke fraser, "love, where is your fire?"]

Be careful what you ask for, because He might just give it to you…

2008-10-08T05:50:00.001-07:00

Today I am in the D.C., reading Michael Yaconelli’s Dangerous Wonder and I just can’t stop smiling, knowing that my love of laughter comes directly from Christ (see exhibit A for proof of God’s sense of humor).

Exhibit A: The Duck-billed Platypus

So, with that on my mind, I head back to my dark and quiet room for a few more minutes of peace before I start my day and I decide to make a new playlist of worship music. So, I turn on the “genius” feature of iTunes (the “genius” feature takes a song of your choice from your music library and makes a playlist that matches that song), and I wait for iTunes to work its magic based on Chris Tomlin’s “Unfailing Love.”

This is what I see when all is said and done:

1. “Unfailing Love” – Chris Tomlin
2. “Fergilicious” – Fergie

…

The rest of the playlist does not even matter. I do regret that I laughed so hard that I woke my roommate up (sorry, Kerri), but in all seriousness (pun intended), I prayed for God to reveal Himself to me today, and He most certainly has…

“God does play with our souls. He hides and He seeks and His laughter heals our hearts” (84).

[please to insert smiling face here]

i can bend and not break

2008-09-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Most difficult lessons of Peer Advising thus far (and it’s only been two weeks…)

1) Throw out all of your expectations.
2) Don’t compare yourself and your core group to another PA(‘s group)
3) When #2 fails, try your darndest to get over it
4) If you screw up, you can always reset the tone.
5) When you get discouraged, disheartened, and downright terrified, take heart in the knowledge that you are supposed to be with your students. They are supposed to be in your group. And God does know what He is doing, even though you are clueless.

stay tuned for more updates at the semester unravels...

"In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! For I have overcome the world."

[John 16:33]

this just in:

2008-08-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

i am a PA.

i love my fellow PA's.

[ecstatic face]

carrie's 10 (for real, this time) most relevant songs as of late

2008-08-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

way too tired to write a real blog, so here is a cop-out. [you know i'm tired when i make a list and don't end on a round number that is a multiple of 5]

1. Nathan Angelo - Have to Wait
"tell me where are you now and what are you doing? what is the color of your hair, tell me what is your name? these are thing i'd love to know about you, but i guess i'll have to wait."

2. Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet
"i am changing--less and less asleep--made of different stuff than when i began. and i have sensed it all along, fast approaching is the day."

3. Steven Curtis Chapman - Yours
"i've walked the dirt roads of uganda, i've seen the scars that war has left behind...and i hear children's voices singing of a God who heals and rescues and restores, and i'm reminded that every child in Africa is Yours."

4. Regina Spektor - The Call
"now we're back to the beginning. it's just a feeling, and no one knows yet. but just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget. let your memories go stronger and stronger, 'til they're before your eyes. you'll come back when they call you. no need to say goodbye."

5. Switchfoot - Home
"i've got my heart set on what happens next. i've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet--we are miracles, and we're not alone. this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.

6. Chris Tomlin - God Of This City
"there is no one like our God, for greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city. greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

7. Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful
"it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you hears to know what love is. and it takes some tears to make you trust, it takes some years to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished. life is wonderful, life is full circle."

8. The Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now
"fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore."

EDIT: I am now fully awake, so allow me to be obsessive-compulsive and add two more songs to make it an even ten :o) [sorry if my out-of-character-antics of last night caused a fright]

9. Landon Pigg – Eggshells
“that’s just the problem with me these days: i’m walking on eggshells. nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right…give me feathers or give me nails”

10. Relient K – Forgiven
“you can’t see past the blood on my hands to see that you’ve been aptly damned to fail and fail again, because we’re all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven—i just hope you can forgive me too.”

it's "national night out," and all i want to do is stay at home

2008-08-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

As a self-respecting English Lit. major, I have provided a sparknotes version for those of you who don't have the time (or patience) to read my inconcise thoughts:

If I'm restless, then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul. I don't get this, but I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control . . . But I don't mind.

[Relient K's Curl Up and Die]

[end of sparknotes version, cue beginning of inconcise thoughts]

Restless. I think that is the label that I will be putting on this summer. In years to come, I'll say, "remember the Restless Summer?" And, as ridonkulous as that sounds, I will know exactly which one I'm referring to. (Let's pretend I didn't end that sentence in a preposition, and while we're at it, why don't we ignore the fact that I felt so much grammar guilt about it that I had to offer this current sentence as explanation)

[returns to the subject at hand, which is about feeling restless]

I have been so busy lately and while I know that I need all the money I can get, I am really getting sick of scanning groceries and/or putting them in a bag. Seriously. My head will implode if I have to endure one more round of "Hi. How are you? Would you like paper or plastic? Do you have coupons or bottle returns? Have a great day!" This is my third summer at the store and I want to cry when I think about having two more after this (maybe even more if I fulfill my expectation to live in a box with an English Literature major after graduation). I get really scared when I think about what I will do after graduation. This store is filled with managers that worked there as college students, and it seems like I will never be able to escape my fate as a cashier at a small town grocery store.

It is so frustrating, because every day I seem to go through the same cycle of emotions:
1) Self-doubt – I wonder why I am working at a store scanning groceries when I could be preparing for my future by doing something—anything—else that is relevant to my life.
2) Anger – I am fed up with the job and become determined to find another one before the spring semester ends.
3) Depression – I realize that there are no other jobs within a reasonable distance from my home for the summer.
4) Acceptance – I remind myself that this is only a temporary job that will allow me to make money until I graduate and move on to bigger and better things such as [crosses fingers] Uganda or Nicaragua. Yes, I realize those places are on different continents, but I am very attached to both of them nonetheless [readers should note that this emotional cycle takes about 1-10 minutes to reach completion].

[sighs]

So yes, I am restless, but only because I am so eager to find out where the next leg of my Journey will take me. Maybe it will be working in Uganda, or maybe I'll be teaching English in Nicaragua. Maybe I won't end up in either of those places. Who knows? He does, and that is all that matters.

CONFESSION: I may or may not have written this blog to serve as a reminder for me when I begin the daily Restless Cycle of Emotions.

uncle update

2008-07-23T21:15:00.001-07:00

for some insane reason, the doctors thought that uncle art was a-ok and gave him their fly-away-home stamp of approval, just a week and a day after he was admitted with a probable chance of death. smart move, eh?

now he is home and dealing with the following:

fractured jaw on both sides [won't need wiring unless he (1) moves too much and moves the bones out of place, or (2) is in so much pain that he can't tough it out until everything heals]
hip bone drama [the ball on his joint had to be replaced entirely in surgery, so now he will be able to walk but not without serious arthritis-like pain]
broken ulna and radius [the two lower arm bones...aka he will have a cast past the elbow and up towards the shoulder]
internal head injuries that are oozing out of his ear [last week blood was coming out of his ear canal, but despite the fact that they have "fixed" that problem, fluids of an unknown origin have taken place of the blood. yummy]

so, even though he is home with his family and past the point of "will likely die," he is still in dire need of prayer and healing. unfortunately, his numerous near-death experiences have done nothing whatsoever to spark his interest in the more important matters of Christ and salvation.

i love this man and i am praying. but seriously, what a punk.

kthx

2008-07-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

reasons why everyone should love my cat:

he plays fetch with hairties and plays in the toilet

he operates under several nom de plumes: sam, samwise, samsonite, and samson

he is terrified of water in large amounts yet still defies death by drinking from the pool

he is a true inspiration for witty captions

he lets you put scotch tape on the bottoms of his paws when you're bored

but most importantly, when you look over your lappy after a bad day, this is what you'll see:

this cat is off da hook

(figuratively, of course)

it's not his fault he has better hair, janet

2008-07-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

THE SETTING: checkout lanes 1, 2, and 3 at Country Market. it's late in the evening and the store is quiet and almost empty.

THE PLAYERS**:

JANET: smelly, grumpy, intolerant old lady who prefers to shop from the convenience of an electric cart.
BILLY RAY: the nine-ish year-old grandson of Janet
CARRIE: friendly, attractive cashier on register 2
CASHIER 2: unimportant cashier on register 3
CASHIER 1: even more unimportant cashier on register 1. The focus of this story centers on her register so she is listed in this list for explanation purposes only
**all names and have been changed (or invented, i should say) save for mine, of course.

FADE IN, START THIS SCENE.

[Enter stage right: Janet and Billy Ray approach register 1 with their prospective groceries. As Janet unloads groceries, Billy Ray pauses at the magazine rack and picks up this month's edition of People]

BILLY RAY: Grandma!! [shows her the magazine with interest and enthusiasm, asking her without words if he can have it]

JANET: Don't touch that trash!!! [Janet emphasizes "touch" as if the magazine has some contagious disease that could kill Billy Ray]

BILLY RAY: [mumbles defensively, his excitement waning]

JANET: I don't care what you say. That may look like a man now, but he was born a woman!! [emphasizes "woman" as if to say that by holding the magazine, Billy Ray could turn into a woman and be forevermore known as Billy Jean]

CASHIER 2: [whispers to Carrie] Who is on the magazine?

CARRIE: [looks incredulously at the cover of a similar magazine at her register] . . . it's Keith Urban!!

[end scene]

update

2008-07-13T03:25:00.001-07:00

uncle art's girlfriend found affordable tickets, so she and the grandparents are in texas with him. but despite their presence, we don't actually know all that much. he's going to live, that much is clear, but we still don't know the extent of the damage. no one, doctors included, seems to know what in the world is going on (but then again, we are getting our information from some exhausted senior citizens with limited cell phone minutes set to roaming in texas). last night i chuckled, imagining grandma's exasperated face once they realized there were no hotel rooms because of a local jehovah's witness convention. oh, the timing. :o)

they've started surgeries and hopefully everything is on the up and up. we were really anxious on friday morning; he had started bleeding internally somewhere in his head, and the blood started to run out of his ears, but i think they've got everything under control now.

he is responsive and they've started to wean him off the respirator. so far, so good.

thank you for your continued prayers. this guy needs all the help he can get. it is not his first freak encounter with a semi-truck, however. he once had an entire cab fall off the jack as he changed a tire. he managed to survive that near-death-or-amputation-at-the-least experience, so i'm thinking the punk is going to pull through.

and while we are on the subject of punks, i'd like to say that the makers of my new shoes fall into that category: punks. after just a month of use, my flats fell apart--quite literally--while i was bagging groceries yesterday. so not only was i bagging groceries, but i was bagging groceries while trying to walk with soles that had gone all robert e. lee and seceded from the rest of the shoes (receded, conceded...). pssht

please pray

2008-07-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

my uncle is in desperate need of prayer right now (yet again). he drives semi's, and today he was in the-middle-of-nowhere, TX, tightening the strap on his rig with a crow bar and it (the crowbar) jumped back into his face and fractured his jaw, knocking him backwards onto the cement of the highway, fracturing his skull.

being the stubborn idiot that he sometimes can be, he got up and managed to deliver his load, fractured bones and all. but afterwards he called home (across the country in scranton, pennsylvania) to let us know he was sick (throwing up, dizzy . . . aka symptoms of a serious concussion).

by the time the paramedics found him (and we have no idea how they did), he was no longer breathing. we have no idea how long he hadn't been breathing, but we know it had to have been awhile, because he was unresponsive at the hospital, and his brainswelling was so dangerous that they had to induce a coma.

so now the doctors in amarillo, texas are telling my grandma that she needs to fly down there immediately, to talk to him and try and coax him out of this unresponsive state. but a single ticket costs nearly $900 and they don't have the means to afford this.

so please pray for uncle art. pray that the doctors will be granted wisdom and steady hands. and pray that my grandparents can find a way to get to their only son. my uncle has some serious and chronic health problems as it is and i'm not sure how much more his fragile body can handle.

please pray.

an answer. i has one.

2008-07-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

after getting laughed at by my friends' mother, i now realize that some crucial information was left out of the previous post:

1. i have already read this book in hardback form. three times.
2. i may or may not own this book, in hardback form.
3. i am on the waiting list for the (audio)book version at the library.

sorry for holding out on you guys. apparently those three facts are crucial factors of the final decision, and now have thus lead me to option number three: wait for it at the library . . .

. . . i never considered the option of being patient a viable option . . . oops

a dilemma. i has one.

2008-07-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

moral dilemma of the summer:
let's just say you want to buy an audiobook (yes, an audiobook. don't judge, just move on to the actual dilemma).

ok, so audiobook. do you spend $31.99 of your $40 itunes credit and buy it from itunes? or do you spend $50 of your $50 border's gift card and buy it from border's?

my logic:
i am leaning towards the gift card. because even if you spend one-hundred percent of it on this (audio)book, you can still buy books. you can always justify spending money on books (english lit. major, hello!). and if you use my itunes, you can only buy 8 more songs because you refuse to use a credit card on itunes (limits your spending that would otherwise be off the charts of out-of-controlitude).

and of course, this is only a hypothetical situtation (hence the usage of "you" instead of "i"). because what kind of loser buys audiobooks, let alone spends time debating about where to buy them.

. . .

. . . but seriously, what should i do?

insights into my soul, #152

2008-07-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

i love you've got mail, so if that title makes no sense to you, go get yourself a $3 education and rent it...

i'm finding that all of my current thoughts that i would have written about here are too numerous and too messy, so i'll sum it all up for now with one of my favorite quotes from a great author:

"First of all, let me say that I do believe in true love. But I also deeply believe in the complexity, variety, and downright insanity of love. A lucky person loves hundreds of people in their lives, all in different ways: family love, friendship love, romantic love, all in so many shades and depths. I don’t think you lose your ability—or right—to have true love by loving more than one person. In part, this is true because you never love two people in the same way. Another part is that, if you’re lucky, you learn to love better with practice. The bottom line is that you have to choose who you are going to commit to—that’s the foundation of true love, not a lack of other options" (stephenie meyer).

places of exaltation, loose ends, and a few good books

2008-06-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have been so restless ever since coming home from Uganda. On the one hand, I can't forget what I saw there: the faces, the homes, the situations...but on the other hand, I feel as though I am quickly losing it all. The first weekend we spent in Uganda, I caught some virus and was unbelievably ill. I counted how many time I had to get up and be sick throughout the night, but I lost count at 15. That entire night and the following day I played the part of Jacob, wrestling with God, struggling to prove that I really was fully relying on Him and Him alone. He won, of course, as soon as I accepted the fact that He is the only constant in my life.

I think that experience is the reason why I never got homesick; I was able to see right off the bat that while God has given me beautiful resources in my family, He has called us to love Him above all else. By spending a night and day wishing for my mother instead of the comfort God could have provided, I ended up wasting all of my physical and emotional energy. At the end of that second day, however, I had all of my priorities in line, and I found myself closer to the heart of God than ever before. But that is precisely what I am afraid of losing. It had been so easy to seek God when I had nothing, but now that I am home I am losing my focus.

My last night in Uganda, I was reading My Utmost for His Highest, and that night God really spoke to me through Chambers' work:

"We've all experienced times of exaltation on the mountain, when we have seen things from God's perspective and have wanted to stay there. But God will never allow us to stay there. The truest test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain. If we only have the power to go up, something is wrong . . . We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life--those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strenth. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop. Those times of exaltation are exceptional and they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware to prevent our spiritual selfishness from wanting to make them the only time . . . The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something . . . something even better than useful teaching, namely character ("the place of exaltation," october 1)"

This has been my personal struggle since the moment I stepped onto the Michigan-bound airplane in Entebbe. I did not want to go home. In fact, I was bitter--angry even, that I had return to the "valley" of America. I was so upset that I couldn't even nap on either of the plane rides. It was ridiculous. There are times when I don't even want to talk about Uganda because I cannot believe that anyone will understand. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to overcome this stumbling block; I refuse to allow Satan to mutate my "place of exaltation" into something sick and twisted. The only way that I am going to hang onto the changes in me is to contintue talking about them, so please encourage me to talk when you have the time to listen (you'll need the time, because I can talk for awhile once you get me started).

So now, on a completely different note, have you ever felt like you were supposed to do something, that you needed to tie up some loose and messy ends?
…me either….that’s at least what I have been telling myself, but a recent series of events has led me to believe that the sooner I take care of this “unfinished business,” the better.

In the meantime I have a slew of new books with which to fill my time. Sometimes I wonder why I am an English literature major, and that’s when I walk into the bookstore and drop $40 on a handful of books. I'm going to need a generous salary to fund my book-buying budget though, and seeing as there are zero careers in line for me, I could be in serious trouble.

That's all for tonight. My room is warm and I need to seek out a cooler spot so I can read Tuck Everlasting :o)

o hai

2008-06-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

i like to think that i am an optimist but there is a pinch of pessimistic realism mixed in, so i guess that makes me a possimist. nonetheless, i know that God's plan is perfect despite my own imperfection.

greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done, thus i have opted to move on from xanga since only 5 people on the entire plant still use it [see chris tomlin's God of this City for explanation of my blog's title].

so this is me, assuming the somewhat daring role of marianne dashwood [sister of my favorite literary heroine] who never fails to provide the reader with a great quote or two that may conveniently be used as URLs:

there is some blue sky, let us chase it!