carrie's most relevant playlist: round 2

1. Brooke Fraser – C. S. Lewis Song
Is this a soul that stirs in me—is it breaking free, wanting to come alive? ‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

2. Landon Pigg – Tin Man
I’m looking at the sunset, wondering, “So what?” The Tin Man’s got nothing on me—Heart, I hope you wake up soon.

3. Hillsong – Hosanna
Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen; show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours—everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause—as I walk from earth into eternity.

4. The Spill Canvas – All Hail the Heartbreaker**
I will sleep another day—I don’t really need to anyway, because what’s the point when my dreams are infected with words you used to say?

5. Rob Dickinson – My Name is Love
When everything you know falls apart when the wind blows, when everything seems so tough, my name is love

6. Brandi Carlile – Have You Ever
. . . If you’ve ever been out walking in the snow, if you had ever been out walking you would know

7. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
Words fall through me and always fool me and I can’t react. And games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out.

8. Brooke Fraser – Love, Where is Your Fire?
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind that I’ll offer You me and You’ll politely decline. So I’ll hasten to mute it, I’ll shout and rebuke it: “Away, away, away!” ‘Cos I know I’ll blaze with You, so I’m holding my heart out

9. Mat Kearney – Won’t Back Down
Hallelujah ripped through my veins. I heard the hammer drop, my blood in the rain. Hallelujah came like a train; when all is lost, all is left to gain.

10. Anberlin – Paperthin Hymn
You never know what temporal days may bring, so laugh, love, live free, and sing; when life is in discord, praise ye the Lord.

**This is my obligatory Spill reference because Chels and I are seeing them in concert this weekend!! :oD

i'm sitting here, smoking away, but still there's no sign of a flame

A doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind,
That I'll offer You me and You'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it:
"Away, away, away!"

'Cos I know I'll blaze with You
So I'm holding my heart out to You
I'm holding my heart out

[brooke fraser, "love, where is your fire?"]

Be careful what you ask for, because He might just give it to you…

Today I am in the D.C., reading Michael Yaconelli’s Dangerous Wonder and I just can’t stop smiling, knowing that my love of laughter comes directly from Christ (see exhibit A for proof of God’s sense of humor).

Exhibit A: The Duck-billed Platypus

So, with that on my mind, I head back to my dark and quiet room for a few more minutes of peace before I start my day and I decide to make a new playlist of worship music. So, I turn on the “genius” feature of iTunes (the “genius” feature takes a song of your choice from your music library and makes a playlist that matches that song), and I wait for iTunes to work its magic based on Chris Tomlin’s “Unfailing Love.”

This is what I see when all is said and done:

1. “Unfailing Love” – Chris Tomlin
2. “Fergilicious” – Fergie

…

The rest of the playlist does not even matter. I do regret that I laughed so hard that I woke my roommate up (sorry, Kerri), but in all seriousness (pun intended), I prayed for God to reveal Himself to me today, and He most certainly has…

“God does play with our souls. He hides and He seeks and His laughter heals our hearts” (84).

[please to insert smiling face here]

i can bend and not break

Most difficult lessons of Peer Advising thus far (and it’s only been two weeks…)

1) Throw out all of your expectations.
2) Don’t compare yourself and your core group to another PA(‘s group)
3) When #2 fails, try your darndest to get over it
4) If you screw up, you can always reset the tone.
5) When you get discouraged, disheartened, and downright terrified, take heart in the knowledge that you are supposed to be with your students. They are supposed to be in your group. And God does know what He is doing, even though you are clueless.

stay tuned for more updates at the semester unravels...

"In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! For I have overcome the world."

[John 16:33]

this just in:

i am a PA.

i love my fellow PA's.

[ecstatic face]

carrie's 10 (for real, this time) most relevant songs as of late

way too tired to write a real blog, so here is a cop-out. [you know i'm tired when i make a list and don't end on a round number that is a multiple of 5]

1. Nathan Angelo - Have to Wait
"tell me where are you now and what are you doing? what is the color of your hair, tell me what is your name? these are thing i'd love to know about you, but i guess i'll have to wait."

2. Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet
"i am changing--less and less asleep--made of different stuff than when i began. and i have sensed it all along, fast approaching is the day."

3. Steven Curtis Chapman - Yours
"i've walked the dirt roads of uganda, i've seen the scars that war has left behind...and i hear children's voices singing of a God who heals and rescues and restores, and i'm reminded that every child in Africa is Yours."

4. Regina Spektor - The Call
"now we're back to the beginning. it's just a feeling, and no one knows yet. but just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget. let your memories go stronger and stronger, 'til they're before your eyes. you'll come back when they call you. no need to say goodbye."

5. Switchfoot - Home
"i've got my heart set on what happens next. i've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet--we are miracles, and we're not alone. this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.

6. Chris Tomlin - God Of This City
"there is no one like our God, for greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city. greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

7. Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful
"it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you hears to know what love is. and it takes some tears to make you trust, it takes some years to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished. life is wonderful, life is full circle."

8. The Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now
"fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore."

EDIT: I am now fully awake, so allow me to be obsessive-compulsive and add two more songs to make it an even ten :o) [sorry if my out-of-character-antics of last night caused a fright]

9. Landon Pigg – Eggshells
“that’s just the problem with me these days: i’m walking on eggshells. nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right…give me feathers or give me nails”

10. Relient K – Forgiven
“you can’t see past the blood on my hands to see that you’ve been aptly damned to fail and fail again, because we’re all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven—i just hope you can forgive me too.”

it's "national night out," and all i want to do is stay at home

As a self-respecting English Lit. major, I have provided a sparknotes version for those of you who don't have the time (or patience) to read my inconcise thoughts:

If I'm restless, then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul. I don't get this, but I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control . . . But I don't mind.

[Relient K's Curl Up and Die]

[end of sparknotes version, cue beginning of inconcise thoughts]

Restless. I think that is the label that I will be putting on this summer. In years to come, I'll say, "remember the Restless Summer?" And, as ridonkulous as that sounds, I will know exactly which one I'm referring to. (Let's pretend I didn't end that sentence in a preposition, and while we're at it, why don't we ignore the fact that I felt so much grammar guilt about it that I had to offer this current sentence as explanation)

[returns to the subject at hand, which is about feeling restless]

I have been so busy lately and while I know that I need all the money I can get, I am really getting sick of scanning groceries and/or putting them in a bag. Seriously. My head will implode if I have to endure one more round of "Hi. How are you? Would you like paper or plastic? Do you have coupons or bottle returns? Have a great day!" This is my third summer at the store and I want to cry when I think about having two more after this (maybe even more if I fulfill my expectation to live in a box with an English Literature major after graduation). I get really scared when I think about what I will do after graduation. This store is filled with managers that worked there as college students, and it seems like I will never be able to escape my fate as a cashier at a small town grocery store.

It is so frustrating, because every day I seem to go through the same cycle of emotions:
1) Self-doubt – I wonder why I am working at a store scanning groceries when I could be preparing for my future by doing something—anything—else that is relevant to my life.
2) Anger – I am fed up with the job and become determined to find another one before the spring semester ends.
3) Depression – I realize that there are no other jobs within a reasonable distance from my home for the summer.
4) Acceptance – I remind myself that this is only a temporary job that will allow me to make money until I graduate and move on to bigger and better things such as [crosses fingers] Uganda or Nicaragua. Yes, I realize those places are on different continents, but I am very attached to both of them nonetheless [readers should note that this emotional cycle takes about 1-10 minutes to reach completion].

[sighs]

So yes, I am restless, but only because I am so eager to find out where the next leg of my Journey will take me. Maybe it will be working in Uganda, or maybe I'll be teaching English in Nicaragua. Maybe I won't end up in either of those places. Who knows? He does, and that is all that matters.

CONFESSION: I may or may not have written this blog to serve as a reminder for me when I begin the daily Restless Cycle of Emotions.