too tired for coherency.

i love autumn. colors, smell, sounds, textures. leaves crunching on the sidewalk. all the senses engaged. i hate when rain erases it away.

i would pick the shortest season to be my favorite, wouldn't i? you see, there is a difference between autumn and fall. fall is the season that happens between summer and winter, it is septemberish-october. but autumn is that 2 week period with perfect weather (jeans and tshirt) and no rain. the world is on fire. orange, red, electric green. give me the cool breeze of autumn over the warm rays of spring any day.

how is that that there are places with perpetual winter and summer, spring even, but no fall, and especially no autumn? would i love it as much if i do now if autumn wasn't so rare and sweet? if a man loads and empties the dish washer and no one sees it, does it really happen?

questions and questions running through my mind. what's is called when you write as randomly as you think? you'd think a lit. major, out of all people, would remember the term. reason #40982 you shouldn't accept stereotypes.

i miss africa. my heart has been broken for the children that i saw on the streets, that i still see when i close my eyes. how do you look at a child and honestly tell her that she is loved when the one person who can save her chooses office furniture over her life? where is the love in that cruel equation? "that child died four days ago." responseless. struck dumb. where was i while that frail heart beat its last, when the body retired prematurely?

sometimes i round a corner and it's there, taunting me. but the moment passes and i lose the unnatural, accute connection with the land that is just as much my home as the house in which my family dwells. for a precious second i believe that i am again learning how to love in its most basic and beautiful form with the very same children who hound my dreams, but the notion quickly disappears and i find myself hollow. aching and alone. i am haunted by africa and cannot find relief outside of the momentary distractions that i despise so much...

...i do not want to be distracted.