reason #29384 i shouldn't stay up so late . . .

I am more of an INFP than ever (see this if you don’t believe it)

In other news . . .

God is a sneaky little bugger, isn’t He? Without any warning He somehow managed to slip under my internal radar and He started to roll my heart around in His hands, carefully reshaping it. He has gently disturbed the roots that were once stubbornly planted in my idea of “home,” and has since been quietly preparing me for a life that I never expected. Only now am I realizing the magnitude of what this means.

In short, home is no longer my home. It is just a house in the two-stoplight town where I grew up. But this is not new news. I have known this since Uganda. The really scary realization that is so unnerving to me now is the fact that home is not even where my family is. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love my family.

I love that my mom can sing a song that is applicable to anything (and I mean anything). I love that Dan and I can go weeks without seeing each other and still pick up right where we left off (probably involving me, pinned to the floor while he renders me defenseless with the dreaded “fish hook” move that he spent years practicing). I love that my dad can always make me laugh, no matter how angry he may make me. I love that my step-dad has only two volume levels: inaudible mumbling and richter scale-worthy booming. I love that Brad has a capacity to love that is topped only by Christ Himself. I love them so much, and I think this is why it has taken me so long to see the truth.

Home is still where the heart is, but while my family is held dear and irreplaceable in a private and intimate chamber of my heart, God has other plans for the heart itself. If home is where the heart is, then my heart is where God plants it, and the only thing left for me to do is to sit back and wait as he continues to roll my heart in His hands and prepare for the break that will inevitably follow. I am afraid that my heart must shatter beyond all recognition before the roots can take hold in fresh and fertile soil,

How much more pain must I bear witness to before it breaks into something ready to be of use to Him? I only know that my idea of “home” has forever changed. My heart and home are being detached from everything they have ever known, and it terrifies me. It exhilarates me. It sets me free to go where I must.

Is this a soul that stirs in me?
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Because my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

[brooke fraser’s ‘c.s. lewis song’].

pertinent definitions

mope (v): move around slowly and aimlessly; be apathetic, gloomy, or dazed; dallier: someone who wastes time. [see "carrie's more recent blog" for confirmation]

bronchitis (n): an inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchial tubes, causing a persistent cough that produces considerable quantities of sputum; birds which wheeze and gasp, normally related to overwieght birds in winter. [see "carrie's lack of speech" for clarification on the former...not sure what to do about the latter]

nutella (n): A thick smooth paste made from chocolate and hazelnuts. Can be spread on plain cookies, bread, or toast. [see "carrie's shelf" for taste sampler]

accountancy (n): the occupation of maintaining and auditing records and preparing financial reports for a business; the major that carrie should have apparently chosen. [see "professor globig" for explation]

unmotivated (adj): lacking motivation, without impetus to strive or excel [see "carries work ethic'" for illustration]

too tired for coherency.

i love autumn. colors, smell, sounds, textures. leaves crunching on the sidewalk. all the senses engaged. i hate when rain erases it away.

i would pick the shortest season to be my favorite, wouldn't i? you see, there is a difference between autumn and fall. fall is the season that happens between summer and winter, it is septemberish-october. but autumn is that 2 week period with perfect weather (jeans and tshirt) and no rain. the world is on fire. orange, red, electric green. give me the cool breeze of autumn over the warm rays of spring any day.

how is that that there are places with perpetual winter and summer, spring even, but no fall, and especially no autumn? would i love it as much if i do now if autumn wasn't so rare and sweet? if a man loads and empties the dish washer and no one sees it, does it really happen?

questions and questions running through my mind. what's is called when you write as randomly as you think? you'd think a lit. major, out of all people, would remember the term. reason #40982 you shouldn't accept stereotypes.

i miss africa. my heart has been broken for the children that i saw on the streets, that i still see when i close my eyes. how do you look at a child and honestly tell her that she is loved when the one person who can save her chooses office furniture over her life? where is the love in that cruel equation? "that child died four days ago." responseless. struck dumb. where was i while that frail heart beat its last, when the body retired prematurely?

sometimes i round a corner and it's there, taunting me. but the moment passes and i lose the unnatural, accute connection with the land that is just as much my home as the house in which my family dwells. for a precious second i believe that i am again learning how to love in its most basic and beautiful form with the very same children who hound my dreams, but the notion quickly disappears and i find myself hollow. aching and alone. i am haunted by africa and cannot find relief outside of the momentary distractions that i despise so much...

...i do not want to be distracted.

election '08, as portrayed by my friends' facebook status updates :oD

… you know when you were a lil kid u wanted to vote...yea it's really not all that cool...go nader!!
4 hours ago

… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 174/McCain 49.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 43.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 34.
3 hours ago

… people be screamin in the streets and standing on cars lol its crazy!!
about an hour ago

… wants to congratulate all those who voted to bring about this change to socialism. Your voice has been heard, so no whining if this hits the fan.
about an hour ago

… thinks she will come back to America after all!
about an hour ago

… is praising Jesus for the system of Checks and Balances...
about an hour ago

… says Go Sarah Palin in '12!
51 minutes ago

… Obama fo' yo' mama!
50 minutes ago

… is Green Day will have a reason to write music again!
39 minutes ago

… is going to marry a sheep farmer in Ireland.
38 minutes ago

… is thinking that everybody needs to relax a little.
38 minutes ago

… is in a constant state of prayer for the next 4 years.
35 minutes ago

… is praising God for the knowledge that HE is our king! :) ...and mourning the death of capitalism a little... :/.
31 minutes ago

… is YEAH!!!! Now I don't have to move to Canada or Europe.
30 minutes ago

… is Iverson... Prop 1.... Obama?!.... This country is lookin brighter.
18 minutes ago

… Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run. Barack Obama WON so our children can fly.
14 minutes ago

… still loves this country :).
14 minutes ago

… is glad it's all over.
13 minutes ago

… is wondering how bad its going to be.
8 minutes ago

… just witnessed history...dayumm.
2 minutes ago

… is a Christian who is happy Obama won. I know, unheard of, but not impossible...
about a minute ago

… thinks Joe Biden's mom is SOOO CUTE.
about a minute ago

… also entertained by reading status updates.
6 minutes ago

… found a toy in his cereal! He's so happy!
2 minutes ago