Saturday, December 27, 2008

because i like multiples of five . . .

five things that i will not miss about this year . . .

. . . the way that i got bronchitis in october and can say without a doubt that I am still sick two months after the fact … the difficulty of handling the workload of an english literaure major while depending entirely upon library computers for an entire semester due to a malfunctioning lappy and shoddy customer service … the inability to keep my half of the room organized until the chaos piles so high that i cannot navigate through it without fearing for my life … the bitterness that resurfaces every time i remember how much my brother has endured since mid-june … the endless frustrations that arose from seeing the gap between how things were and how i knew they should be and the way i (foolishly) felt helpless to bridge them . . .

five things i already miss about this year . . .

. . . the assurance that came with the unfaltering belief that i would actually return despite the fact that 7,555 miles and the fear of failure stood in my way ... the smile born from knowing that at least 3 hours of my academic week would be spent in the best of company ... the guarantee of sidesplitting laughter after every english class and even the occasional concert [cue inspirational hand pump and eyebrow action] ... the warm fuzzies that came from knowing that we still had a whole year together as roommates to laugh, cry, laze, and repeat ... the freedom that came from blithely accepting the fact that i had no idea what i would be doing after graduation . . .

five things that I leave behind . . .

. . . the way that I pretend to be okay with not knowing what i will do in 18 months ... the tendency of mine to give up after convincing myself that they do not care, even though i know they do ... the inclination to feign indifference as i casually discuss my lack of initiative towards the means that could lead to my end ... the passive approach that i take to maintaining friendships ... the exhaustifying effort that I put into building up the emotional walls between my fathers and myself . . .

five things that I move forward to . . .

. . . the fact that i will finally have a sister and [eventually] nieces and nephews following a september wedding that has been nine years in the making ... the entertainment that will come when my inner-feminist battles my outer-realist thanks to the most grueling three-credit class i will ever take ... the oncoming semester-of-all-semesters that will be filled with late night shadow puppet shows, orange hi-c, and enough chinese food to put that little boy through college ... the nine days that i will serve in new york city as i hope for clarification regarding my change of heart and home... the comfort of knowing that i can be my(obnoxious)self because he is okay with the prospective eyerolls (not always self-induced) that will precede the inevitable smiles . . .

five things to keep in mind . . .

. . . “that’s what she said” is a joke that will never--ever--be unfunny … you automatically qualify for official “bond girl” status if you are the only girls in the theatre who go without guys to see the opening midnight showing of quantum of solace … the strongest friendships are the ones that can undergo months of silence and still pick up as though only two days have passed … try not to figuratively throw around the term “literal” unless you want to literally throw someone off of your literal boat … do not be surprised when--twenty years later--God is still continuing to surprise you every day by annihilating the underestimations that you constantly place on you peers, yourself, and your Savior . . .

Sunday, December 21, 2008

confessions of a secret cat-person...

"i'm not gonna blog now...that would be ridiculous!"

Sunday, December 14, 2008

carrie's most relevant playlist: round 3

1. david webb - "rich young ruler"
poverty is so hard to see when it's only on your tv or twenty miles across town . . . He says, "more than just your cash and coin, I want your time, I want your voice. I want the things you just can't give Me" . . .

2. a fine frenzy - "come one, come out"
come on, come out. the weather is warm. come on, come on. watching the sky, you're watching the painting coming to life, shifting and shaping. staying inside, it all goes by

3. gayla peevey - "hippopotamus"
mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian...i only like hippopotamuseses, and hippopotamuses like me too!

4. coldplay - "green eyes"
the green eyes. yeah, the spotlight shines on you. and how could anybody deny you? i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now i met you.

5. hillsong - "Hosanna"
heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. show me how to love like You have loved me. break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything i am for Your kingdom's cause, as i walk from earth into eternity

6. ag silver - "falling still"
if God could hear, what would you really have to say, but "thank You, thank You, thank You. You've really outdone Yourself, i want nothing else?"

7. "come thou fount"
o, to grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be. let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. prone to wander, Lord, i feel it. prone to leave the God i love; here's my heart, O take and and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

8. the weather girls - "it's raining men"**[see footnote for explanation]
it's raining men, hallelujah! it's raining men, every specimen! tall, blonde, dark, and lean. rough and tough and strong and mean! God bless mother nature--she's a single woman too--she took off to heaven and she did what she had to do

9. brooke fraser - "love is waiting"
it's my caution, not the cold. there's no other hand that i would rather hold. the climate changes, i'm singing for strangers about you.

10. bing crosby - "count your blessings"
when i'm worried and i can't sleep, i count my blessings instead of sheep. and i fall asleep counting my blessings

**this song is not relevant because it ahs literaly rained men. indeed, no. i would not be saying "hallelujah, amen," if men start falling from the sky. most assuredly not. it is simply an entertaining song that continuously is stuck in my head, and i didn't want to suffer alone...maybe it'll get stuck in yours now too :oD

Friday, November 28, 2008

reason #29384 i shouldn't stay up so late . . .

I am more of an INFP than ever (see this if you don’t believe it)

In other news . . .

God is a sneaky little bugger, isn’t He? Without any warning He somehow managed to slip under my internal radar and He started to roll my heart around in His hands, carefully reshaping it. He has gently disturbed the roots that were once stubbornly planted in my idea of “home,” and has since been quietly preparing me for a life that I never expected. Only now am I realizing the magnitude of what this means.

In short, home is no longer my home. It is just a house in the two-stoplight town where I grew up. But this is not new news. I have known this since Uganda. The really scary realization that is so unnerving to me now is the fact that home is not even where my family is. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love my family.
I love that my mom can sing a song that is applicable to anything (and I mean anything). I love that Dan and I can go weeks without seeing each other and still pick up right where we left off (probably involving me, pinned to the floor while he renders me defenseless with the dreaded “fish hook” move that he spent years practicing). I love that my dad can always make me laugh, no matter how angry he may make me. I love that my step-dad has only two volume levels: inaudible mumbling and richter scale-worthy booming. I love that Brad has a capacity to love that is topped only by Christ Himself. I love them so much, and I think this is why it has taken me so long to see the truth.

Home is still where the heart is, but while my family is held dear and irreplaceable in a private and intimate chamber of my heart, God has other plans for the heart itself. If home is where the heart is, then my heart is where God plants it, and the only thing left for me to do is to sit back and wait as he continues to roll my heart in His hands and prepare for the break that will inevitably follow. I am afraid that my heart must shatter beyond all recognition before the roots can take hold in fresh and fertile soil,

How much more pain must I bear witness to before it breaks into something ready to be of use to Him? I only know that my idea of “home” has forever changed. My heart and home are being detached from everything they have ever known, and it terrifies me. It exhilarates me. It sets me free to go where I must.

Is this a soul that stirs in me?
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Because my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

[brooke fraser’s ‘c.s. lewis song’].

Monday, November 17, 2008

pertinent definitions

mope (v): move around slowly and aimlessly; be apathetic, gloomy, or dazed; dallier: someone who wastes time. [see "carrie's more recent blog" for confirmation]

bronchitis (n): an inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchial tubes, causing a persistent cough that produces considerable quantities of sputum; birds which wheeze and gasp, normally related to overwieght birds in winter. [see "carrie's lack of speech" for clarification on the former...not sure what to do about the latter]

nutella (n): A thick smooth paste made from chocolate and hazelnuts. Can be spread on plain cookies, bread, or toast. [see "carrie's shelf" for taste sampler]

accountancy (n): the occupation of maintaining and auditing records and preparing financial reports for a business; the major that carrie should have apparently chosen. [see "professor globig" for explation]

unmotivated (adj): lacking motivation, without impetus to strive or excel [see "carries work ethic'" for illustration]

Saturday, November 15, 2008

too tired for coherency.

i love autumn. colors, smell, sounds, textures. leaves crunching on the sidewalk. all the senses engaged. i hate when rain erases it away.

i would pick the shortest season to be my favorite, wouldn't i? you see, there is a difference between autumn and fall. fall is the season that happens between summer and winter, it is septemberish-october. but autumn is that 2 week period with perfect weather (jeans and tshirt) and no rain. the world is on fire. orange, red, electric green. give me the cool breeze of autumn over the warm rays of spring any day.

how is that that there are places with perpetual winter and summer, spring even, but no fall, and especially no autumn? would i love it as much if i do now if autumn wasn't so rare and sweet? if a man loads and empties the dish washer and no one sees it, does it really happen?

questions and questions running through my mind. what's is called when you write as randomly as you think? you'd think a lit. major, out of all people, would remember the term. reason #40982 you shouldn't accept stereotypes.

i miss africa. my heart has been broken for the children that i saw on the streets, that i still see when i close my eyes. how do you look at a child and honestly tell her that she is loved when the one person who can save her chooses office furniture over her life? where is the love in that cruel equation? "that child died four days ago." responseless. struck dumb. where was i while that frail heart beat its last, when the body retired prematurely?

sometimes i round a corner and it's there, taunting me. but the moment passes and i lose the unnatural, accute connection with the land that is just as much my home as the house in which my family dwells. for a precious second i believe that i am again learning how to love in its most basic and beautiful form with the very same children who hound my dreams, but the notion quickly disappears and i find myself hollow. aching and alone. i am haunted by africa and cannot find relief outside of the momentary distractions that i despise so much...

...i do not want to be distracted.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

election '08, as portrayed by my friends' facebook status updates :oD

… you know when you were a lil kid u wanted to vote...yea it's really not all that cool...go nader!!
4 hours ago

… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 174/McCain 49.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 43.
… is lets go Obama!!! Obama 102/McCain 34.
3 hours ago

… people be screamin in the streets and standing on cars lol its crazy!!
about an hour ago

… wants to congratulate all those who voted to bring about this change to socialism. Your voice has been heard, so no whining if this hits the fan.
about an hour ago

… thinks she will come back to America after all!
about an hour ago

… is praising Jesus for the system of Checks and Balances...
about an hour ago

… says Go Sarah Palin in '12!
51 minutes ago

… Obama fo' yo' mama!
50 minutes ago

… is Green Day will have a reason to write music again!
39 minutes ago

… is going to marry a sheep farmer in Ireland.
38 minutes ago

… is thinking that everybody needs to relax a little.
38 minutes ago

… is in a constant state of prayer for the next 4 years.
35 minutes ago

… is praising God for the knowledge that HE is our king! :) ...and mourning the death of capitalism a little... :/.
31 minutes ago

… is YEAH!!!! Now I don't have to move to Canada or Europe.
30 minutes ago

… is Iverson... Prop 1.... Obama?!.... This country is lookin brighter.
18 minutes ago

… Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run. Barack Obama WON so our children can fly.
14 minutes ago

… still loves this country :).
14 minutes ago

… is glad it's all over.
13 minutes ago

… is wondering how bad its going to be.
8 minutes ago

… just witnessed history...dayumm.
2 minutes ago

… is a Christian who is happy Obama won. I know, unheard of, but not impossible...
about a minute ago

… thinks Joe Biden's mom is SOOO CUTE.
about a minute ago

… also entertained by reading status updates.
6 minutes ago

… found a toy in his cereal! He's so happy!
2 minutes ago

Sunday, October 19, 2008

carrie's most relevant playlist: round 2

1. Brooke Fraser – C. S. Lewis Song
Is this a soul that stirs in me—is it breaking free, wanting to come alive? ‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

2. Landon Pigg – Tin Man
I’m looking at the sunset, wondering, “So what?” The Tin Man’s got nothing on me—Heart, I hope you wake up soon.

3. Hillsong – Hosanna
Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen; show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours—everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause—as I walk from earth into eternity.

4. The Spill Canvas – All Hail the Heartbreaker**
I will sleep another day—I don’t really need to anyway, because what’s the point when my dreams are infected with words you used to say?

5. Rob Dickinson – My Name is Love
When everything you know falls apart when the wind blows, when everything seems so tough, my name is love

6. Brandi Carlile – Have You Ever
. . . If you’ve ever been out walking in the snow, if you had ever been out walking you would know

7. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
Words fall through me and always fool me and I can’t react. And games that never amount to more than they’re meant will play themselves out.

8. Brooke Fraser – Love, Where is Your Fire?
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind that I’ll offer You me and You’ll politely decline. So I’ll hasten to mute it, I’ll shout and rebuke it: “Away, away, away!” ‘Cos I know I’ll blaze with You, so I’m holding my heart out

9. Mat Kearney – Won’t Back Down
Hallelujah ripped through my veins. I heard the hammer drop, my blood in the rain. Hallelujah came like a train; when all is lost, all is left to gain.

10. Anberlin – Paperthin Hymn
You never know what temporal days may bring, so laugh, love, live free, and sing; when life is in discord, praise ye the Lord.

**This is my obligatory Spill reference because Chels and I are seeing them in concert this weekend!! :oD

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

i'm sitting here, smoking away, but still there's no sign of a flame

A doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind,
That I'll offer You me and You'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it:
"Away, away, away!"

'Cos I know I'll blaze with You
So I'm holding my heart out to You
I'm holding my heart out

[brooke fraser, "love, where is your fire?"]

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Be careful what you ask for, because He might just give it to you…

Today I am in the D.C., reading Michael Yaconelli’s Dangerous Wonder and I just can’t stop smiling, knowing that my love of laughter comes directly from Christ (see exhibit A for proof of God’s sense of humor).

Exhibit A: The Duck-billed Platypus

So, with that on my mind, I head back to my dark and quiet room for a few more minutes of peace before I start my day and I decide to make a new playlist of worship music. So, I turn on the “genius” feature of iTunes (the “genius” feature takes a song of your choice from your music library and makes a playlist that matches that song), and I wait for iTunes to work its magic based on Chris Tomlin’s “Unfailing Love.”

This is what I see when all is said and done:

1. “Unfailing Love” – Chris Tomlin
2. “Fergilicious” – Fergie

The rest of the playlist does not even matter. I do regret that I laughed so hard that I woke my roommate up (sorry, Kerri), but in all seriousness (pun intended), I prayed for God to reveal Himself to me today, and He most certainly has…

“God does play with our souls. He hides and He seeks and His laughter heals our hearts” (84).

[please to insert smiling face here]

Saturday, September 13, 2008

i can bend and not break

Most difficult lessons of Peer Advising thus far (and it’s only been two weeks…)

1) Throw out all of your expectations.
2) Don’t compare yourself and your core group to another PA(‘s group)
3) When #2 fails, try your darndest to get over it
4) If you screw up, you can always reset the tone.
5) When you get discouraged, disheartened, and downright terrified, take heart in the knowledge that you are supposed to be with your students. They are supposed to be in your group. And God does know what He is doing, even though you are clueless.
stay tuned for more updates at the semester unravels...

"In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! For I have overcome the world."
[John 16:33]

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

this just in:

i am a PA.

i love my fellow PA's.

[ecstatic face]

Saturday, August 16, 2008

carrie's 10 (for real, this time) most relevant songs as of late

way too tired to write a real blog, so here is a cop-out. [you know i'm tired when i make a list and don't end on a round number that is a multiple of 5]

1. Nathan Angelo - Have to Wait
"tell me where are you now and what are you doing? what is the color of your hair, tell me what is your name? these are thing i'd love to know about you, but i guess i'll have to wait."

2. Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet
"i am changing--less and less asleep--made of different stuff than when i began. and i have sensed it all along, fast approaching is the day."

3. Steven Curtis Chapman - Yours
"i've walked the dirt roads of uganda, i've seen the scars that war has left behind...and i hear children's voices singing of a God who heals and rescues and restores, and i'm reminded that every child in Africa is Yours."

4. Regina Spektor - The Call
"now we're back to the beginning. it's just a feeling, and no one knows yet. but just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget. let your memories go stronger and stronger, 'til they're before your eyes. you'll come back when they call you. no need to say goodbye."

5. Switchfoot - Home
"i've got my heart set on what happens next. i've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet--we are miracles, and we're not alone. this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.

6. Chris Tomlin - God Of This City
"there is no one like our God, for greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city. greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

7. Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful
"it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you hears to know what love is. and it takes some tears to make you trust, it takes some years to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished. life is wonderful, life is full circle."

8. The Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now
"fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore."

EDIT: I am now fully awake, so allow me to be obsessive-compulsive and add two more songs to make it an even ten :o) [sorry if my out-of-character-antics of last night caused a fright]

9. Landon Pigg – Eggshells
“that’s just the problem with me these days: i’m walking on eggshells. nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right…give me feathers or give me nails”

10. Relient K – Forgiven
“you can’t see past the blood on my hands to see that you’ve been aptly damned to fail and fail again, because we’re all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven—i just hope you can forgive me too.”

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

it's "national night out," and all i want to do is stay at home

As a self-respecting English Lit. major, I have provided a sparknotes version for those of you who don't have the time (or patience) to read my inconcise thoughts:

If I'm restless, then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul. I don't get this, but I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control . . . But I don't mind.
[Relient K's Curl Up and Die]

[end of sparknotes version, cue beginning of inconcise thoughts]

Restless. I think that is the label that I will be putting on this summer. In years to come, I'll say, "remember the Restless Summer?" And, as ridonkulous as that sounds, I will know exactly which one I'm referring to. (Let's pretend I didn't end that sentence in a preposition, and while we're at it, why don't we ignore the fact that I felt so much grammar guilt about it that I had to offer this current sentence as explanation)

[returns to the subject at hand, which is about feeling restless]

I have been so busy lately and while I know that I need all the money I can get, I am really getting sick of scanning groceries and/or putting them in a bag. Seriously. My head will implode if I have to endure one more round of "Hi. How are you? Would you like paper or plastic? Do you have coupons or bottle returns? Have a great day!" This is my third summer at the store and I want to cry when I think about having two more after this (maybe even more if I fulfill my expectation to live in a box with an English Literature major after graduation). I get really scared when I think about what I will do after graduation. This store is filled with managers that worked there as college students, and it seems like I will never be able to escape my fate as a cashier at a small town grocery store.

It is so frustrating, because every day I seem to go through the same cycle of emotions:
1) Self-doubt – I wonder why I am working at a store scanning groceries when I could be preparing for my future by doing something—anything—else that is relevant to my life.
2) Anger – I am fed up with the job and become determined to find another one before the spring semester ends.
3) Depression – I realize that there are no other jobs within a reasonable distance from my home for the summer.
4) Acceptance – I remind myself that this is only a temporary job that will allow me to make money until I graduate and move on to bigger and better things such as [crosses fingers] Uganda or Nicaragua. Yes, I realize those places are on different continents, but I am very attached to both of them nonetheless [readers should note that this emotional cycle takes about 1-10 minutes to reach completion].


So yes, I am restless, but only because I am so eager to find out where the next leg of my Journey will take me. Maybe it will be working in Uganda, or maybe I'll be teaching English in Nicaragua. Maybe I won't end up in either of those places. Who knows? He does, and that is all that matters.

CONFESSION: I may or may not have written this blog to serve as a reminder for me when I begin the daily Restless Cycle of Emotions.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

uncle update

for some insane reason, the doctors thought that uncle art was a-ok and gave him their fly-away-home stamp of approval, just a week and a day after he was admitted with a probable chance of death. smart move, eh?

now he is home and dealing with the following:
  • fractured jaw on both sides [won't need wiring unless he (1) moves too much and moves the bones out of place, or (2) is in so much pain that he can't tough it out until everything heals]
  • hip bone drama [the ball on his joint had to be replaced entirely in surgery, so now he will be able to walk but not without serious arthritis-like pain]
  • broken ulna and radius [the two lower arm bones...aka he will have a cast past the elbow and up towards the shoulder]
  • internal head injuries that are oozing out of his ear [last week blood was coming out of his ear canal, but despite the fact that they have "fixed" that problem, fluids of an unknown origin have taken place of the blood. yummy]

so, even though he is home with his family and past the point of "will likely die," he is still in dire need of prayer and healing. unfortunately, his numerous near-death experiences have done nothing whatsoever to spark his interest in the more important matters of Christ and salvation.

i love this man and i am praying. but seriously, what a punk.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


reasons why everyone should love my cat:

  • he plays fetch with hairties and plays in the toilet

  • he operates under several nom de plumes: sam, samwise, samsonite, and samson

  • he is terrified of water in large amounts yet still defies death by drinking from the pool

  • he is a true inspiration for witty captions

  • he lets you put scotch tape on the bottoms of his paws when you're bored

  • but most importantly, when you look over your lappy after a bad day, this is what you'll see:

this cat is off da hook

(figuratively, of course)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

it's not his fault he has better hair, janet

THE SETTING: checkout lanes 1, 2, and 3 at Country Market. it's late in the evening and the store is quiet and almost empty.


JANET: smelly, grumpy, intolerant old lady who prefers to shop from the convenience of an electric cart.
BILLY RAY: the nine-ish year-old grandson of Janet
CARRIE: friendly, attractive cashier on register 2
CASHIER 2: unimportant cashier on register 3
CASHIER 1: even more unimportant cashier on register 1. The focus of this story centers on her register so she is listed in this list for explanation purposes only
**all names and have been changed (or invented, i should say) save for mine, of course.


[Enter stage right: Janet and Billy Ray approach register 1 with their prospective groceries. As Janet unloads groceries, Billy Ray pauses at the magazine rack and picks up this month's edition of People]

BILLY RAY: Grandma!! [shows her the magazine with interest and enthusiasm, asking her without words if he can have it]

JANET: Don't touch that trash!!! [Janet emphasizes "touch" as if the magazine has some contagious disease that could kill Billy Ray]

BILLY RAY: [mumbles defensively, his excitement waning]

JANET: I don't care what you say. That may look like a man now, but he was born a woman!! [emphasizes "woman" as if to say that by holding the magazine, Billy Ray could turn into a woman and be forevermore known as Billy Jean]

CASHIER 2: [whispers to Carrie] Who is on the magazine?

CARRIE: [looks incredulously at the cover of a similar magazine at her register] . . . it's Keith Urban!!

[end scene]

Sunday, July 13, 2008


uncle art's girlfriend found affordable tickets, so she and the grandparents are in texas with him. but despite their presence, we don't actually know all that much. he's going to live, that much is clear, but we still don't know the extent of the damage. no one, doctors included, seems to know what in the world is going on (but then again, we are getting our information from some exhausted senior citizens with limited cell phone minutes set to roaming in texas). last night i chuckled, imagining grandma's exasperated face once they realized there were no hotel rooms because of a local jehovah's witness convention. oh, the timing. :o)

they've started surgeries and hopefully everything is on the up and up. we were really anxious on friday morning; he had started bleeding internally somewhere in his head, and the blood started to run out of his ears, but i think they've got everything under control now.

he is responsive and they've started to wean him off the respirator. so far, so good.

thank you for your continued prayers. this guy needs all the help he can get. it is not his first freak encounter with a semi-truck, however. he once had an entire cab fall off the jack as he changed a tire. he managed to survive that near-death-or-amputation-at-the-least experience, so i'm thinking the punk is going to pull through.

and while we are on the subject of punks, i'd like to say that the makers of my new shoes fall into that category: punks. after just a month of use, my flats fell apart--quite literally--while i was bagging groceries yesterday. so not only was i bagging groceries, but i was bagging groceries while trying to walk with soles that had gone all robert e. lee and seceded from the rest of the shoes (receded, conceded...). pssht

Thursday, July 10, 2008

please pray

my uncle is in desperate need of prayer right now (yet again). he drives semi's, and today he was in the-middle-of-nowhere, TX, tightening the strap on his rig with a crow bar and it (the crowbar) jumped back into his face and fractured his jaw, knocking him backwards onto the cement of the highway, fracturing his skull.

being the stubborn idiot that he sometimes can be, he got up and managed to deliver his load, fractured bones and all. but afterwards he called home (across the country in scranton, pennsylvania) to let us know he was sick (throwing up, dizzy . . . aka symptoms of a serious concussion).

by the time the paramedics found him (and we have no idea how they did), he was no longer breathing. we have no idea how long he hadn't been breathing, but we know it had to have been awhile, because he was unresponsive at the hospital, and his brainswelling was so dangerous that they had to induce a coma.

so now the doctors in amarillo, texas are telling my grandma that she needs to fly down there immediately, to talk to him and try and coax him out of this unresponsive state. but a single ticket costs nearly $900 and they don't have the means to afford this.

so please pray for uncle art. pray that the doctors will be granted wisdom and steady hands. and pray that my grandparents can find a way to get to their only son. my uncle has some serious and chronic health problems as it is and i'm not sure how much more his fragile body can handle.

please pray.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

an answer. i has one.

after getting laughed at by my friends' mother, i now realize that some crucial information was left out of the previous post:

1. i have already read this book in hardback form. three times.
2. i may or may not own this book, in hardback form.
3. i am on the waiting list for the (audio)book version at the library.

sorry for holding out on you guys. apparently those three facts are crucial factors of the final decision, and now have thus lead me to option number three: wait for it at the library . . .

. . . i never considered the option of being patient a viable option . . . oops

a dilemma. i has one.

moral dilemma of the summer:
let's just say you want to buy an audiobook (yes, an audiobook. don't judge, just move on to the actual dilemma).

ok, so audiobook. do you spend $31.99 of your $40 itunes credit and buy it from itunes? or do you spend $50 of your $50 border's gift card and buy it from border's?

my logic:
i am leaning towards the gift card. because even if you spend one-hundred percent of it on this (audio)book, you can still buy books. you can always justify spending money on books (english lit. major, hello!). and if you use my itunes, you can only buy 8 more songs because you refuse to use a credit card on itunes (limits your spending that would otherwise be off the charts of out-of-controlitude).

and of course, this is only a hypothetical situtation (hence the usage of "you" instead of "i"). because what kind of loser buys audiobooks, let alone spends time debating about where to buy them.

. . .

. . . but seriously, what should i do?

Saturday, July 5, 2008

insights into my soul, #152

i love you've got mail, so if that title makes no sense to you, go get yourself a $3 education and rent it...

i'm finding that all of my current thoughts that i would have written about here are too numerous and too messy, so i'll sum it all up for now with one of my favorite quotes from a great author:

"First of all, let me say that I do believe in true love. But I also deeply believe in the complexity, variety, and downright insanity of love. A lucky person loves hundreds of people in their lives, all in different ways: family love, friendship love, romantic love, all in so many shades and depths. I don’t think you lose your ability—or right—to have true love by loving more than one person. In part, this is true because you never love two people in the same way. Another part is that, if you’re lucky, you learn to love better with practice. The bottom line is that you have to choose who you are going to commit to—that’s the foundation of true love, not a lack of other options" (stephenie meyer).

Thursday, June 26, 2008

places of exaltation, loose ends, and a few good books

I have been so restless ever since coming home from Uganda. On the one hand, I can't forget what I saw there: the faces, the homes, the situations...but on the other hand, I feel as though I am quickly losing it all. The first weekend we spent in Uganda, I caught some virus and was unbelievably ill. I counted how many time I had to get up and be sick throughout the night, but I lost count at 15. That entire night and the following day I played the part of Jacob, wrestling with God, struggling to prove that I really was fully relying on Him and Him alone. He won, of course, as soon as I accepted the fact that He is the only constant in my life.

I think that experience is the reason why I never got homesick; I was able to see right off the bat that while God has given me beautiful resources in my family, He has called us to love Him above all else. By spending a night and day wishing for my mother instead of the comfort God could have provided, I ended up wasting all of my physical and emotional energy. At the end of that second day, however, I had all of my priorities in line, and I found myself closer to the heart of God than ever before. But that is precisely what I am afraid of losing. It had been so easy to seek God when I had nothing, but now that I am home I am losing my focus.

My last night in Uganda, I was reading My Utmost for His Highest, and that night God really spoke to me through Chambers' work:

"We've all experienced times of exaltation on the mountain, when we have seen things from God's perspective and have wanted to stay there. But God will never allow us to stay there. The truest test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain. If we only have the power to go up, something is wrong . . . We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life--those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strenth. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop. Those times of exaltation are exceptional and they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware to prevent our spiritual selfishness from wanting to make them the only time . . . The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something . . . something even better than useful teaching, namely character ("the place of exaltation," october 1)"

This has been my personal struggle since the moment I stepped onto the Michigan-bound airplane in Entebbe. I did not want to go home. In fact, I was bitter--angry even, that I had return to the "valley" of America. I was so upset that I couldn't even nap on either of the plane rides. It was ridiculous. There are times when I don't even want to talk about Uganda because I cannot believe that anyone will understand. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to overcome this stumbling block; I refuse to allow Satan to mutate my "place of exaltation" into something sick and twisted. The only way that I am going to hang onto the changes in me is to contintue talking about them, so please encourage me to talk when you have the time to listen (you'll need the time, because I can talk for awhile once you get me started).

So now, on a completely different note, have you ever felt like you were supposed to do something, that you needed to tie up some loose and messy ends?
…me either….that’s at least what I have been telling myself, but a recent series of events has led me to believe that the sooner I take care of this “unfinished business,” the better.

In the meantime I have a slew of new books with which to fill my time. Sometimes I wonder why I am an English literature major, and that’s when I walk into the bookstore and drop $40 on a handful of books. I'm going to need a generous salary to fund my book-buying budget though, and seeing as there are zero careers in line for me, I could be in serious trouble.

That's all for tonight. My room is warm and I need to seek out a cooler spot so I can read Tuck Everlasting :o)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

o hai

i like to think that i am an optimist but there is a pinch of pessimistic realism mixed in, so i guess that makes me a possimist. nonetheless, i know that God's plan is perfect despite my own imperfection.

greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done, thus i have opted to move on from xanga since only 5 people on the entire plant still use it [see chris tomlin's God of this City for explanation of my blog's title].

so this is me, assuming the somewhat daring role of marianne dashwood [sister of my favorite literary heroine] who never fails to provide the reader with a great quote or two that may conveniently be used as URLs:
there is some blue sky, let us chase it!