#338

I know that He exists.
Somewhere—in Silence—
He has hid his rare life
From our gross eyes.

‘Tis an instant’s play.
‘Tis a fond Ambush—
Just to make Bliss
Earn her own surprise!

But—should the play
Prove piercing earnest—
Should the glee—glaze—
In Death’s—stiff—stare—

Would not the fun
Look too expensive!
Would not the jest—
Have crawled too far!

top 5 genuine regrets of my college career.....

1. Failing to see the opportunity to create a specialized major in Women’s Studies in English literature.
2. Neglecting friendships because of my inability to plan ahead and maintain a consistent, responsible, and considerate schedule.

Okay, so that’s only two. Whatever. They’re still regrets. And while it is too late to do anything about the first one, the second one does not have to continue. This will not continue past this weekend. Period.

Because, let’s face it, I miss you both more than I can say.

What do you call the space between the letters A and B?

Why is it that when I need to have an assertive Type A personality, I can only be Type B, but then in other situations when my sanity begs for some Type B ease, all I can do is try to control what I can't?

Recent points of (almost) interest in my life . . .

On a slightly impressive (yet excessive) note. . .
. . . I started cleaning out my closet today (not in an R. Kelly/Eminem way, but in the literal sense). From it, I have four bags of trash, thre bags of clothes to give away, and at least twenty-five purses in possession (seven of which I will be parting with—and that’s even following the “if you haven’t used it within the last year, pitch it,” rule).

On a slightly more serious note . . .
. . . Sometime between installing our new pool pump last night and me putting a hand in the water this morning, the wiring must’ve gone on the fritz. So I can now say that I have experienced minor electrocution (I say minor because I am still alive and it only made my body go numb as opposed to frying any vital organs). Apart from residual “I feel like I’ve been sitting on my limbs and they’re almost asleep” effects, I am fine and will only et better with time. Needless to say, it was a bit terrifying and I have now met my summer’s excitement quota . . .

On a slightly pathetic note . . .
. . . I finally made it into the fair trade store in Chelsea, MI, where I broke down into tears at the stand with Ugandan jewelry, handmade in Jinja. I’ve never been a supporter of/believer in retail therapy, but it was necessary at his point. I will say, however, that the Ecuadorian scarf and the Congo keychain (Congon, Congonian…?) probably weren’t as necessary as the Ugandan earrings, but I’m not going to feel bad about it, because it was fair trade and it was all 17.5% off (though James tells me that “But it’s on sale,” is an awful excuse. Pssht. What do boys know?).

On a slightly disappointing note . . .
. . . I am still on book #3 of my summer reading list [sighs]. And I only just realized yesterday that I have a 30+ page research paper studying Charlotte Brontë’s feminist influence on the expectations and roles of women in Victorian England.

On an uplifting note . . .
. . . My cat is hysterical, my family is beautiful, and my God is merciful.

here's to staying up until after 1:00am with kleenex and the perfect things to say

I pray that I can be half the mom that mine is.

One locomotive, two locomotive, three locomotive, four...

One of my favorite memories form my childhood is, and I'm not kidding, folks, watching Lamb Chop's Don't Wake Your Mom when I was sick. After Mom would set me up on the living room couch with a sippy cup of sprite, toast, all of the blankets and pillows from my bed, and Puffalump, she'd walk over to the television and insert the beloved VHS tape into the VCR. I was happy as a clam for a beautiful 45 minutes, singing along with Shari Lewis and the whole crew. Thanks to that video, I know how to roll my fingers, eat crackers like a slob, and count seconds in what is perhaps the most accurate manner without the use of a watch.

Happy moment of my week: Don't Wake Your Mom is available in parts on youtube [here]. I do expect you to take 45 minutes out of your day and enjoy yourself. So get to it, kids.

Shari: "Hush Puppy, in the time it takes to say 'One Locomotive,' a second ticks by!"
HP: "Shari, if I say 'One Locomotive,' a second has gone by?"
Shari: "Yes."
HP"So if I say 'One Second,' will a locomotive have gone by?"

miscellaneous thoughts from the night of june 1st

• Had the opportunity this afternoon to satisfy my urge to be crafty, and I must say, I am rather pleased with the results. Hoorah for finding use for my extra fabric scraps!

• Preparing to start book #2 of my summer’s To-Read list**. 15 books in 13 weeks (not including the PA summer book…and ignoring the fact that Chronicles of Narnia is actually seven books and not just one…and not accounting for the fact that I’ll probably want to read the other two books in Ted Dekker’s series…) So, that’s almost two books per week…I need to get crackin’.

• Counting my blessings (instead of sheep) and am very grateful that I have a job this summer as I watch so many friends struggling with their limited options. I am blessed to be employed at a place where work requires minimal thought and allows me to take as much time off as I want. So blessed.

• Finding myself to be a little--scratch that--unbelievably peeved that my lappy is already malfunctioning. Note to self: send Fitzgerald into Office Depot’s tech department ASAP.

• Missing all of my SAU friends. A lot. I’m so grateful that everyone lives within a 1-hr radius.

**Carrie’s To-Read List: Summer 2009

1. Castle in the Sky, Diana Wynne Jones
2. PS. I Love You, Cecelia Ahern
3. Black, Ted Dekker
4. Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhyss
5. The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency, Alexander McCall Smith
6. Planet Narnia, Michael Ward
7. The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
8. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
9. The Awakening, Kate Chopin
10. Last of the Mohicans, James Fennimore Cooper
11. As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner
12. Babylon Revisited, F. Scott. Fitzgerald
13. The House of the Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
14. All Quiet on the Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
15. The Turn of the Screw, Henry James

"Out of the wreck I rise" [My Utmost for His Highest, May 19]

God does not keep His child immune from trouble; He promises, "I will be with him in trouble . . ." ( Psalm 91:15 ). It doesn’t matter how real or intense the adversities may be; nothing can ever separate him from his relationship to God. "In all these things we are more than conquerors . . ." ( Romans 8:37 ). Paul was not referring here to imaginary things, but to things that are dangerously real. And he said we are "super-victors" in the midst of them, not because of our own ingenuity, nor because of our courage, but because none of them affects our essential relationship with God in Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for the Christian who doesn’t have something in the circumstances of his life that he wishes were not there.

"Shall tribulation . . . ?" Tribulation is never a grand, highly welcomed event; but whatever it may be— whether exhausting, irritating, or simply causing some weakness— it is not able to "separate us from the love of Christ." Never allow tribulations or the "cares of this world" to separate you from remembering that God loves you ( Matthew 13:22 ).

"Shall . . . distress . . . ?" Can God’s love continue to hold fast, even when everyone and everything around us seems to be saying that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

"Shall . . . famine . . . ?" Can we not only believe in the love of God but also be "more than conquerors," even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver, having deceived even Paul, or else some extraordinary thing happens to someone who holds on to the love of God when the odds are totally against him. Logic is silenced in the face of each of these things which come against him. Only one thing can account for it— the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time.

**Text that has been underlined and bolded is my own [carrie's] emphasis**

not all surprises are welcome

um, thanks. but no chance in this lifetime.

do not pass go. do not collect $200. leave me alone.

reason #2349798784 to keep smiling

"With that kind of hope to excite us, nothing holds us back." 2 Corinithians 3:12 (The Message)

here's to you, mrs. mosby

nothing good happens after 2am, so why am i still awake?

good question, carrie. let's go to sleep.

alright, optimist carrie. let's try that.

It's like ten-thousand spoons, when all I need is a knife

Looking back on the key moments in my life thus far, I remember how confident I had been, never feeling more sure about the direction in which I was moving than I did at each and every one of those moments:

. . . the visit to CMU that solidified my enrollment at Spring Arbor . . .
. . . the discovery that I needed to study English Lit. despite the fact that I want nothing to do with writing, teaching, publishing, or lawyering . . .
. . . the afternoon spent hastily filling out countless forms before an upperclassman would take the unexpected spot on the Uganda trip . . .

It’s not every day that I feel so much of God’s peace all at once.

I’m still too close to these moments to really understand why they occurred, but I could tell by the heat that I was on the right track.

I can tell by this heat that I am on the right track.

But this confidence is new to me and is making me antsy. I have so much peace that I am uncomfortable. Seems a bit counterproductive, eh?

My thoughts on NYC, playlist not included…

I hate Times Square the way it is now. It is obnoxious. It is dirty. It is full of people pushing, shoving, and shopping.

I love Times Square for the potential that it has to become something far greater (Go find Hutch if you don’t believe me. He hangs out on the corner of 7th and 34th. Talk about perseverance through trials. What an inspiration that man was).

After spending nine full days in New York City, I have been intentionally carrying myself differently. New Yorkers do not look up when they walk. Looking up means making contact, means seeing that homeless man on the subway, means seeing that there is a problem—this is a problem that is not going to just go away by pretending that it’s not there.

But then again, if I can’t see it, it’s not there.

Object permanence, folks. We need to develop some, because once you’ve looked up, you have two options: apathy or action. Apathy is undoubtedly easier. There is so much going on in the city that it only takes a few more steps before you’ve found something to distract yourself. All you have to do is run through the typical scenarios and keep walking. He would only buy drugs and booze with it if I gave him any money. What if I get mugged? What if I find out that I actually care?

Action requires a decisive move. It calls you to put aside your insecurities and a lifetime of stereotypes. So go ahead. Risk getting rejected, sworn out, and turned away. Risk being the only person in three straight days who even speaks to that woman. Risk finding out that you have more in common with that guy sleeping under a tarp than you do with anyone else. Leave behind your pride and let God break your heart.

To have passion is to suffer. Christ is passionate for us; it was His Passion that led Him to the cross, and until we allow ourselves to feel compassion—quite literally to suffer with Him—we will never fully realize the humanity of our brothers and sisters, let alone our own humanity.

I am sick of walking on the sidewalk and looking at my feet every time I pass someone I don’t know—or sometimes even a person that I do know. I’ll have none of that anymore, thank you very much. No. As children of God, it is our responsibility to validate one another, and all it takes is recognizing another soul when we pass.

/end rant

even then...

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining
I believe in love, even when feeling it not
I believe in God, even when God is silent


[An unbelievably awesome song, inspired by words scrawled on a cellar wall where Jews had hidden in Nazi Germany]

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord."

"My Utmost for His Highest," March 6 entry:

"When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks.

The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you.

Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17 ."

this is what happens when i feel guilty about neglecting my blog

My thoughts are far too scattered for an intelligent or even coherent blog. So here are some self-observations that will have to hold me over until I can be a responsible, introspective blogger:

§ Pretzels make me sick. I get this from my mom. But I eat them in large quantities anyway. I get that from Mom too.

§ My secret ambition is to become fluent in a fictional language (such as elvish) and devote my entire life and career to the mastery of that language. Then, when an epic movie trilogy is made that uses that language, I can be the person that gets invited to interviews that will be aired in the 6+ hours of special DVD features … not that I have ever watched 6+ hours of special DVD features and seen interviews with a fictional language expert in them … [hangs head now that secret ambition is not-so-secret anymore]

§ I really like the number 5 and multiples of it. Unless it’s 14 or 19 or 28—I really like those three numbers (3 is a great number, too). But I do not like 2. Or 4, 8, or 11 either. Especially 4. It is a smug number. (I like 9 as well … you can make a perfect square when you have 9 objects … I really respect that about the number 9) ...

§ I am an interrupter, and I use brackets, dashes, and parentheses to do so. Dashes are for straight-up interruptions—I have a horrible memory and I forget stuff if I have to wait to say what I am thinking. Parentheses are used for clarification purposes (just in case I don’t think I’m clear enough). And brackets are used to narrate for myself … I may or may not hold up hands around my face to make brackets while I talk, just so I can be super-animated [rolls eyes at ridiculosity of the idea of narrating for herself]

§ My favorite animals include but are not limited to the following: pigs, primates, squirrels, platypi, and penguinos (flamingos, koalas, and giraffes also make that list).

§ One day I will own a golden retriever. He will wear a plaid collar and I will call him Patrick O’Flannigan.

§ I have never felt more irresponsible than I am feeling right now ... The fact that I have 30pg paper and a history test this week are probably contributing to that guilt

[gives up on thinking of witty conclusion to blog so she can go to sleep and avoid thinking about her irresponsible time-management habits]

faith, deeds, and a giant two-by-four: act i, scene ii...

CARRIE: “My greatest desire is to return to Africa. My greatest fear is that I never will.” [mopes]

GOD: [slaps her across with the two-by-four of Opportunity-If-You’re-Willing-To-Take-The-Initiative-Fueled-By-Faith]

END SCENE, TO BE CONTINUED IN HIS TIME BY HER INITIAIVE

dear february 4th (today's pertinent definitions)

awkward (adj): socially uncomfortable, unsure and constrained in manner

meeting (n): a casual or unexpected convergence

hindsight (n): an understanding of the nature of an event after it has happened

funny (adj): amusing, arousing or provoking laughter

because i'm an english lit. major who can quote one who says it best...

"In Memoriam A.H.H."
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Ring out the grief that saps the mind
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.