this just in:

i am a PA.

i love my fellow PA's.

[ecstatic face]

carrie's 10 (for real, this time) most relevant songs as of late

way too tired to write a real blog, so here is a cop-out. [you know i'm tired when i make a list and don't end on a round number that is a multiple of 5]

1. Nathan Angelo - Have to Wait
"tell me where are you now and what are you doing? what is the color of your hair, tell me what is your name? these are thing i'd love to know about you, but i guess i'll have to wait."

2. Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet
"i am changing--less and less asleep--made of different stuff than when i began. and i have sensed it all along, fast approaching is the day."

3. Steven Curtis Chapman - Yours
"i've walked the dirt roads of uganda, i've seen the scars that war has left behind...and i hear children's voices singing of a God who heals and rescues and restores, and i'm reminded that every child in Africa is Yours."

4. Regina Spektor - The Call
"now we're back to the beginning. it's just a feeling, and no one knows yet. but just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget. let your memories go stronger and stronger, 'til they're before your eyes. you'll come back when they call you. no need to say goodbye."

5. Switchfoot - Home
"i've got my heart set on what happens next. i've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet--we are miracles, and we're not alone. this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.

6. Chris Tomlin - God Of This City
"there is no one like our God, for greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city. greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

7. Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful
"it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you hears to know what love is. and it takes some tears to make you trust, it takes some years to make it rust, it takes the dust to have it polished. life is wonderful, life is full circle."

8. The Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now
"fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore."

EDIT: I am now fully awake, so allow me to be obsessive-compulsive and add two more songs to make it an even ten :o) [sorry if my out-of-character-antics of last night caused a fright]

9. Landon Pigg – Eggshells
“that’s just the problem with me these days: i’m walking on eggshells. nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever goes right…give me feathers or give me nails”

10. Relient K – Forgiven
“you can’t see past the blood on my hands to see that you’ve been aptly damned to fail and fail again, because we’re all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven—i just hope you can forgive me too.”

it's "national night out," and all i want to do is stay at home

As a self-respecting English Lit. major, I have provided a sparknotes version for those of you who don't have the time (or patience) to read my inconcise thoughts:

If I'm restless, then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul. I don't get this, but I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control . . . But I don't mind.

[Relient K's Curl Up and Die]

[end of sparknotes version, cue beginning of inconcise thoughts]

Restless. I think that is the label that I will be putting on this summer. In years to come, I'll say, "remember the Restless Summer?" And, as ridonkulous as that sounds, I will know exactly which one I'm referring to. (Let's pretend I didn't end that sentence in a preposition, and while we're at it, why don't we ignore the fact that I felt so much grammar guilt about it that I had to offer this current sentence as explanation)

[returns to the subject at hand, which is about feeling restless]

I have been so busy lately and while I know that I need all the money I can get, I am really getting sick of scanning groceries and/or putting them in a bag. Seriously. My head will implode if I have to endure one more round of "Hi. How are you? Would you like paper or plastic? Do you have coupons or bottle returns? Have a great day!" This is my third summer at the store and I want to cry when I think about having two more after this (maybe even more if I fulfill my expectation to live in a box with an English Literature major after graduation). I get really scared when I think about what I will do after graduation. This store is filled with managers that worked there as college students, and it seems like I will never be able to escape my fate as a cashier at a small town grocery store.

It is so frustrating, because every day I seem to go through the same cycle of emotions:
1) Self-doubt – I wonder why I am working at a store scanning groceries when I could be preparing for my future by doing something—anything—else that is relevant to my life.
2) Anger – I am fed up with the job and become determined to find another one before the spring semester ends.
3) Depression – I realize that there are no other jobs within a reasonable distance from my home for the summer.
4) Acceptance – I remind myself that this is only a temporary job that will allow me to make money until I graduate and move on to bigger and better things such as [crosses fingers] Uganda or Nicaragua. Yes, I realize those places are on different continents, but I am very attached to both of them nonetheless [readers should note that this emotional cycle takes about 1-10 minutes to reach completion].

[sighs]

So yes, I am restless, but only because I am so eager to find out where the next leg of my Journey will take me. Maybe it will be working in Uganda, or maybe I'll be teaching English in Nicaragua. Maybe I won't end up in either of those places. Who knows? He does, and that is all that matters.

CONFESSION: I may or may not have written this blog to serve as a reminder for me when I begin the daily Restless Cycle of Emotions.