it's "national night out," and all i want to do is stay at home

As a self-respecting English Lit. major, I have provided a sparknotes version for those of you who don't have the time (or patience) to read my inconcise thoughts:

If I'm restless, then why do I want nothing but to rest my soul. I don't get this, but I know why. You see, sometimes things are just beyond control . . . But I don't mind.

[Relient K's Curl Up and Die]

[end of sparknotes version, cue beginning of inconcise thoughts]

Restless. I think that is the label that I will be putting on this summer. In years to come, I'll say, "remember the Restless Summer?" And, as ridonkulous as that sounds, I will know exactly which one I'm referring to. (Let's pretend I didn't end that sentence in a preposition, and while we're at it, why don't we ignore the fact that I felt so much grammar guilt about it that I had to offer this current sentence as explanation)

[returns to the subject at hand, which is about feeling restless]

I have been so busy lately and while I know that I need all the money I can get, I am really getting sick of scanning groceries and/or putting them in a bag. Seriously. My head will implode if I have to endure one more round of "Hi. How are you? Would you like paper or plastic? Do you have coupons or bottle returns? Have a great day!" This is my third summer at the store and I want to cry when I think about having two more after this (maybe even more if I fulfill my expectation to live in a box with an English Literature major after graduation). I get really scared when I think about what I will do after graduation. This store is filled with managers that worked there as college students, and it seems like I will never be able to escape my fate as a cashier at a small town grocery store.

It is so frustrating, because every day I seem to go through the same cycle of emotions:
1) Self-doubt – I wonder why I am working at a store scanning groceries when I could be preparing for my future by doing something—anything—else that is relevant to my life.
2) Anger – I am fed up with the job and become determined to find another one before the spring semester ends.
3) Depression – I realize that there are no other jobs within a reasonable distance from my home for the summer.
4) Acceptance – I remind myself that this is only a temporary job that will allow me to make money until I graduate and move on to bigger and better things such as [crosses fingers] Uganda or Nicaragua. Yes, I realize those places are on different continents, but I am very attached to both of them nonetheless [readers should note that this emotional cycle takes about 1-10 minutes to reach completion].

[sighs]

So yes, I am restless, but only because I am so eager to find out where the next leg of my Journey will take me. Maybe it will be working in Uganda, or maybe I'll be teaching English in Nicaragua. Maybe I won't end up in either of those places. Who knows? He does, and that is all that matters.

CONFESSION: I may or may not have written this blog to serve as a reminder for me when I begin the daily Restless Cycle of Emotions.